One Week Ago...

One week ago, at this time, I was holding my sweet baby boy. One week ago, I was telling Mark how good Chase felt laying on my chest. One week ago, I was pleading with God for some kind of closure, so that I could--at some point--hand him back to the nurse, not just for a night in the nursery...but forever. Mark and I cried and prayed for God to give us peace, and He did give it to us. Just as I said before, He was physically holding us through this night. At practically the same time, a little after midnight on Wednesday night, after looking at each one of Chase's little parts, rubbing his precious feet, and kissing his little forehead, we both looked at each other and felt peace about letting him go. I KNOW that moment was from the Lord, because now I cry over that moment again and again, knowing full well there was NO way that was from within me. I couldn't have ever done it. It was the moment I had feared for three days. But, God, in His sweet mercy, helped us do the unimagineable. He made us strong. He helped us say goodbye.

Today, I have many thoughts and feelings running through my head and heart. Yesterday, I started the blog that tells our story. But, instead of finishing it tonight, I need to "talk" about some other things on this "one week" mark...

First, thank you for all of your amazingly encouraging comments. Mark and I are just soaking them in, as they are soothing to our souls right now. The only thing I would say is that I pray that when you look at me and say all those nice things, that you see the true source of ALL strength and ALL clarity. It is absolutely beyond me. It is the Lord!! And, He is hard at work in our lives, revealing Himself daily to us, and giving us strength to get through the days.

One of the hardest things--and the moments when the tears come unexpectedly heavy--is when my body physically aches for my baby. To feel him, to hear him, to know him, to take care of him...to just be doing the "mom" things I love so much. Those are the moments that come without warning, the moments when the pain seems too much. And, just as the tears begin to flow, someone reaches out to us either through the mail, by phone, by email, to tell us we are being prayed for and loved. So, thank you to all who continue to think of us. And, not just to think of us, but take the time to reach out to us. We need it so much. As you listen to the Lord prodding you to pray for us or encourage us, it calms our spirit in the very moment we need it most.

One of the BIGGEST blessings in our lives is our three sweet, precious girls. They are the balm my soul needs every single day, and I've never loved them or enjoyed them more than I do now. I see them as my little miracles and I am so thankful for who God has made each of them to be. At the same exact time, those three precious girls are also what makes grieving the hardest. I want so much to perfectly balance what they need and don't need to talk about right now. I want so much to cry the "right amount" in front of them, not making it too hard for them. But, I also want so much for them to talk about baby Chase and remember him always. This week, they've talked a lot less about him and it has been so hard for me. I know they've just needed a "break" from it all, so we've tried our best to give them that.

Last night, Kendyll said her prayer without any mention of him. I immediately starting tearing up. But, right after that, Carlie said a sweet prayer and said "Take care of baby Chase". It was so soothing to hear her speak his name, and I just prayed silently for them to never stop saying his name. Tonight, Kendyll and I had a sweet conversation about him and I realized that every little bit we get from them just makes me giddy happy. :) Tonight, we were looking at his sonogram picture and I was telling her all about his little face. She asked again when she could see him, and talked about how she wished he was here with us. It was a good reminder that they haven't forgotten, nor are they "moving on" too quickly. They just need to set the pace. And, I'm good with that for now. :) I do covet your prayers for Mark and I, as we continue to stumble through this grieving process ourselves, but also as we lead them through it as well. We rest in the promise that God will "carry the lambs in His arms, holding them close to His heart. He will gently lead the mother sheep with their young." Isaiah 40:11

This Friday night would have been my "Girls Night Out" baby shower with a sweet group of friends from church. It's been hard to think about all the planned dates between now and his due date, and realize how much it has all changed. So, I appreciated so much when I heard that we're still having Girls Night...even though it will look a little different. I am thankful that they don't shy away from being with me in my grief, and want to celebrate with me anyway. It will be a good night out for me.

Speaking of "getting out of the house", today was my first day to do that. Unfortunately, it was to run to the funeral home and sign papers. Not exactly the kind of errand that you jump out of bed for. :) But, we endured it. I told Mark when we were walking in that I think they should play loud music and have a popcorn machine, just so you forget why you're really there. But, obviously, there are many people out there who prefer the the more somber approach to funeral planning. And, I guess I understand.

After we finished there, Mark offered to take me to get a pedicure. Now, usually, I would hands-down accept the offer! But, this time, I hesitated. I immediately became anxious about walking in where "no one knew", and being asked "when I was due" or "how many kids I have"...all those questions I don't know how to answer anymore. He drove to one nice salon near the girls' school, and I absolutely refused. I told him I wanted to find one where no one spoke English, and that was mostly empty. We found the perfect one across the street, and I successfully had a relaxing pedicure (with extra massage time!) with no questions asked. (Maybe that was because I hid behind my magazine the entire time!!) It felt good to be out, but I have been surprised at how anxious I am about leaving the comfort of my home. It is my safe haven right now, and I'm praying that I'm able to slowly re-engage with life outside my living room at some point...

I'll end this post with a more positive thought. One of my most treasured possessions right now is the scripture banner that now hangs on my bathroom mirror. I had this rough sketch of an idea in my head for Chase's celebration at our house, to share some of the scripture that has spoken to us. And my loving (and talented) sisters created it so much better than I had imagined it. It now feeds my soul every day, and I'm constantly writing down new ones to add to it.

I have to say, that I've never had to feast on His word like I do now. I crave it, and it's the only thing that truly brings me peace in the hard moments of the day. It is truly soothing, and the Lord speaks in amazing ways every time I open my Bible. It is for these reasons that I know the Lord is changing me...and reaching me...in ways He never could before. He is now all I have and it feels so good. Thank you to all of you who continue to shower me with scriptures that have helped you, or that you read and think of me. Every single one is jotted down in my somewhat scattered journal, and most certainly treasured in my heart.

Here is what He showed me this morning, in Isaiah 40. As I was crying out to Him about how I wanted Chase's life to mean something bigger...how I wanted His glory to be shown in such amazing ways that I would never doubt that "this walk through the valley was worth it". He showed me this passage:

Every valley shall be raised up,

every mountain and hill made low;

the rough ground shall become level,

the rugged places a plain.

And the glory of the Lord will be revealed,

and all people will see it together...

May Your glory be revealed through this time of suffering. Lord, use us as your vessels, and show Your love and life to those who need it. Continue to strengthen us...for you promise that "if we hope in You, You will renew our strength. We will soar on wings like eagles, we will run and not grow weary, we will walk and not be faint." Thank you , Lord!