Our Story...

As I attempt to tell "our story", I feel like I need to make it clear that this will be for my own benefit in future weeks, months, and years. Some of the details may seem insignificant to those reading, and some may seem like "too much information". But, funny how that doesn't seem to bother me anymore...and no detail is insignificant to me about the week that we met our Chase. I hope I'm able to recount as much as possible, so I never forget the way God led us through each day...

And, this will be a story in progress...because I already know I'll forget details and add them in as they come to mind. I will also have more pictures, as we get them from our favorite photographer. :) So, feel free to revisit this post for new updates in the next few days!

Sunday, September 27th

It's hard to believe that this day ended up being of any significance, since it began so "normally". We went to church that morning, enjoyed catching up with friends, talking about the baby, and worshipping with our Prestoncrest family. After church, we had lunch, and got ready to go see Mary Poppins, the musical, with our girls. Sometime during all of this, I became aware that I had not really felt Chase kicking me...so I began to take note.

I remember praying so hard during this time for God to show me if I should be worried or not. I am a BIG worrier by nature, so I was surprised that I was so calm about it, really. During the musical, I called the doctor and she said to drink a Coke and eat something sweet. She even joked that he was probably just not into musicals. Even though I had already tried many other things, I thought surely the sugar would be the trick. But, there was nothing.

The part that is hard to describe is the peace that I had. Looking back, I have NO idea why I wasn't worried frantic. Why I wasn't packing up our stuff at intermission and heading out the door. Why I was able to chat with friends at the musical, pay attention to Mary Poppins, or love on my girls like I did during it all. I didn't want to scare the girls...in fact, I wanted them to know nothing about it, and just enjoy this special day. (This was a Christmas gift from Pops and Grandma and they LOVED every minute of the musical!) After it was over, we took them to Mark's parents, and told them we needed to run an errand. We drove in silence to the hospital, the whole time thinking through what could lie ahead, but not daring to voice any of it aloud. I literally remember thinking "This night is going to change our lives". I don't even think I knew why I was saying that, except that I just knew something was going on.

Three nurses and two doppler radars later, we knew our worst worry had come true. After many attempts, I will never forget the sound of that hollow doppler when it should have been my baby boy's heartbeat. We were treated so kindly and taken care of so well. Everyone helped us through what was the most shocking, sickening moment Mark and I have ever lived through. I remember bits and pieces of that time...Mark praying, both of us crying, Mark turning white, me turning red, my blood pressure being high, my heartbeat being fast. But, still, through it all...a reassurance around us that we can't describe or pinpoint. And, nurses on every side who I said should have had halos. Absolutely precious people who helped us more than they will ever know. They gave me the choice to stay overnight, or to go home and wait. My doctor called, as I already mentioned, and cried along with me for a while, then reviewed my options. We decided to go home and wait until Wednesday to have my own doctor by my side and to spend time as a family.

We made the calls to family and went home to pray and cry. It all felt so surreal. I talked with a precious friend from Providence who lost her daughter last year. She answered the phone at 10:30, and I'm so glad she did. She talked with me for an hour and helped me with every question I had. My sisters came over late that evening, and helped me process some of what was racing through my head. So many decisions to make. So many people to tell. So much to do that I never thought I would have to do, and never wanted to do. Still shocked...and so sad...but still stronger than we would have ever expected to be. We knew it was the prayers of others already going up on our behalf. After little sleep, lots of prayers and scripture searching, and many, many tears, we woke to face Monday, not even believing that what we had just walked through had been real.

Monday, September 28th

This day was completely surreal. We woke up and immediately began poring over scripture to strengthen ourselves for the day. We also knew that the hardest part of all was coming: telling our girls the heartbreaking news. I cried many tears over this moment. I wanted to be armed with scripture they would understand and that would comfort their hearts. I wanted to be strong enough to tell them without losing it emotionally. And, I wanted to already have answers to the questions that were coming our way from their curious minds and sad hearts.

We spent hours talking with our sweet friends and family that day, as well as making decisions about how to handle our sweet baby boy's next few days. We visited two places where we thought we might be able to memorialize our baby, and both left me feeling sick and helpless. Nothing felt right because this was all wrong. I think the phrase I said more than anything else was "I just can't believe this!" As we drove out of a cemetery, and headed to see our girls, I just wept. It was so ironic to think of what I thought my Monday would hold...and to see what we were doing instead. Completely unbelievable.

Mark and I sat in Subway, hoping to eat something since I hadn't had a meal since Sunday at lunch. I was able to eat, the whole time, tears running down our faces, as we "practiced" telling the girls out loud. I would say something, and then we'd change it, or we would think of a question they might ask, and attempt to answer it. I was fumbling over my words and so worried that I would mess this up. This was the most important moment of all, where I could affect their faith in God, their ability to understand what has happened, or make their heartache worse than it needed to be. I knew I needed my words to be the Lord's....but I was still so afraid He wouldn't speak through me, and I would mess it all up. Then, literally He put the verse in my head: "My power is made perfect in weakness" and I thought when I am weak, He is strong. We can do this. Thank you, Lord!!

We headed toward Mark's parents house to do what I never dreamed I'd be doing. The girls were playing and smiling and it took us almost an hour to get the nerve up to begin the conversation we were dreading. And, from there, I can honestly say that the Lord took total control and spoke through our mouths. He gave us calm spirits, controlled emotions, and the right words to say. It was completely Him...and not us.

Kendyll cried immediately, saying "but we were so excited" and "we had everything ready for him". Carlie had a harder time knowing how to express her emotions (which we fully expected). Within a few seconds, she did cry and asked many questions. Their sweet hearts were full of sadness and confusion, but also resilience and understanding. Mark led our family in one of the sweetest prayers I've ever heard, as I held my two sweet girls close. They wanted to be the ones to tell Abby Kate, and we watched as they crouched down in front of her, held her hands, and told her what had happened. I have no idea what they said, or what she heard, but I savored the moment, as God whispered to me "They're going to be okay". Throughout the afternoon, we spent time swinging and sliding, talking and crying, answering questions and being quiet with them...all on their own timetable. Carlie closed her eyes on the swing and told us she was "swinging all the way to Chase to give him a kiss". Kendyll spent time by herself and wrote her first poem about her baby brother. Here is what she wrote:

I'll touch the sky, Grab a cloud,

Bring it down with Chase on it.

But, in the morning, he's gone.

And, I know where he is.

He's with God in heaven!

I love you Chase!

Melted my mommy heart! Some of their questions were hard to hear and hard to answer, like "Why did God take Chase away from us?" (Carlie) or "Do I get to hold him when you push him out?" (Kendyll) Or, even, "Can't we just take him to the hospital and fix his heart like Hannah?" (Kendyll) The conversations continued after we were home, and throughout the week. And, while I don't know that we answered everything well, we do feel like God has equipped us in ways that are NOT our own, to handle their curiosity and emotions better than we could have imagined.

Monday night, my family brought fajitas and wonderful distractions for our girls named Braden, Avery, and Caleb. :) The girls (and Mommy and Daddy) enjoyed a wonderful night with family and the house was filled with laughter and conversation. Much to my surprise, we were all full of peace and were able to eat, talk, and carry on without too much sadness. I definitely felt relief as I watched our girls smile and play, knowing God had carried us through one of the most difficult moments in my mind.

But, I have found, both that night, and many nights since, that my sadness comes in large waves after everyone leaves, when the girls are in bed, and the house is quiet. But, it's also when God speaks to us and comforts us so physically that I can feel His presence. That night I cried and cried for the baby I would never know...but also for the way God had taken care of that day. In so many ways, we felt Him faithfully guiding us, guarding us, and literally carrying us. We know without a doubt it was because of the prayers of hundreds. We know this just from the amount of emails and phone calls we received in one day. :)

Tuesday, September 29th

As much as I want to recount every detail, I know so much is foggy, including most of Tuesday. :) I remember little things the girls said, some of which was hard to hear. At one point, Carlie said she wished she could die, so she could go to heaven and be with Chase. They both talked alot about how much they wish they could see his face and know what he looked like. Mark and I struggled with this decision ALOT, and weren't sure that would be healing for them...

Tuesday, I remember Mark's prayers, and I remember thinking "I wish I could pray such strong prayers right now"...but I couldn't. I offered up many prayers silently, a seemingly constant conversation between God and I. But, the words couldn't come out of my mouth. I literally felt what the Bible says about your groans being interpreted by the Spirit. I was groaning, and I knew God understood. But, even in the midst of a few "groans" here and there, I was again finding myself enjoying being with my sweet girls, finding peace from being physically near my amazing husband, and finding joy in talking with friends and family.

My sweet friends from church came to visit and bring me lunch, and we talked for two hours about everything girls usually talk about, plus so much more that we never dreamed we'd be talking about. They helped me talk through my remaining questions about how to handle the girls at the hospital, and other such decisions that were still looming in my mind. Each one cried alongside me, and I am so thankful for the many friends who have done so in the last few days. It has meant so much to me. :)

My grandparents brought wonderful comfort food for me, including stew and peach cobbler, and stayed a while to watch my girls run CRAZY through the house, and act completely out of their minds. I know it was nervous energy, but really...I've never seen them so crazy. :) Abby Kate gave a few concerts and performances that had us all rolling with laughter. And, I said another silent prayer of thank-yous for these moments that I have to treasure...and for my three sweet, healthy girls that I have been blessed with.

My dad and sister, Cailee, also spent the evening with us, taking the kids to the park, eating dinner with us, and just hanging out. It was SO nice to, once again, have the house filled with family, and our hearts filled with joy, even on the eve of a hard day to come.

The rest of the evening is hard to remember. Cailee and the girls had a "sleepover" and they were on top of the world to have their cool college aunt sleeping in their floor. :) They were so excited, that I didn't even mention what the next day held. I packed a bag (full of pajamas that my sisters had shopped for--Thank you!!), we prayed alot, I did some last minute emailing, and I tried to pick out some things of his to take to the hospital...still saying the whole time "I can't believe we're doing this!" Sleep was short, of course, and the morning came so quickly. And, my nervousness and dread set in quickly.

Wednesday, September 30

Wow...what a day this would be. I woke up early, immediately thinking about my girls. What would this day be like for them? How would they do being at the hospital? Would they be able to handle this? My answer was NO, they can't be there! They can't handle this! They need to be somewhere else. The problem here was that I had not made any other arrangements for them. My mom and sister were going to bring them to the hospital to be able to visit me off and on while we waited, and then were planning to distract them after the baby was born, so they didn't know what had happened. The more I thought about this (dumb) plan, the more I realized it wouldn't work. There was too much risk in them seeing, hearing, or experiencing too much. Plus, Abby Kate and hospital waiting rooms don't mix. :)

This is where God made his first debut of the day. I call my mom at 6 am to tell her I've changed my mind. We make a new plan, and I feel better. Little did I know that He was already preparing another angel to swoop in and save the day for my girls. My sister's mother-in-law, Suzanne, was the saint that took all three girls, PLUS Caleb (her grandson) for the whole day, enduring potty accidents, no nap from the two year old, painting with four kids, two meals to feed, and lots of outside play time...giving my girls a WONDERFUL day with no worries or concerns about what I was doing in the hospital down the street. I look back and think how stressed I would have been if they had been at the hospital. How stressed their day would have been too! It was an answered prayer and I thank you Suzanne for being a fun and happy place for the girls to spend their day.

Meanwhile, we begin our check-in process at the hospital. I was a total emotional mess. I was crying through the check-in, thinking how exciting this time should have been. Thinking about when we sat there on Sunday night, not knowing what news awaited us just minutes later. And, wondering HOW I was going to do this today.

Our sweet nurse who had been there on Sunday night, met us in our room, and she had prepared it so well. Flowers from my sweet Mom and Ron were on the bedside table, and everything looked relaxing and peaceful...and thankfully very different than the rooms I had been in for delivering my three girls. I needed it to look different! She hugged us and walked us through the first steps ahead. The tears were still flowing for me, because it was all seeming so real, after the last three days of imagining it.

But, shortly after Brooke greeted us, Mark prayed for us and our peace. Oh, how that helped. We took pictures for Kendyll and Carlie of my plastic pot of flowers they made me, as well as my "mom" sign, which hung proudly by my bed the whole day. They were excited to get the picture and see me smiling. And, I was so glad to hear they were doing well. After that, the day begins picking up speed...not necessarily in the "labor department", but in the overwhelming flood of support that kept walking through the doors. (Please excuse the repetitive image of me in my hospital bed with different faces posed next to me...I know they may be redundant, but each face means alot to me. :)

Our preacher from church and his wife...All of my family (which is VERY high in numbers!)...

Mark's parents, John and Cheri (also known as Popsy and Grandma!)
My grandparents, Papa Roy and Grandmother, and my dad (aka Grandad)...Maw Maw and Paw Paw, how did we miss getting a picture with you?!
Aunt Carol and Uncle Chuck, with my sister-in-law Jodi...

And, my sisters, Cortni, Cassie, and Cailee, and my mom (Gammy)...

...our amazing photographer, Amber, and her assistant, Amy...my sweet friend, Jodi, who endured this pain one year ago...precious friends from college and church...the door was always swinging open and love for us was walking in. Usually, when I'm in labor, I want it much calmer. But, this time, I could not get enough of my family and friends. I wanted them there and felt so much comfort when they were near. It almost seems strange to see my smiles in all of these pictures, but I truly was able to smile despite the sadness...because of these people.

My lifelong friend and college roommate, Sara...My amazing church friends, Jennifer, Nicole...Stephanie, Alyssa, and Amy! (There were others I didn't get pictures with...Rebecca, Jen L, Alisa...so many who shared their hugs and prayers with me that day.)

The only time I was alone was when Mark went in the hallway...and my eyes immediately landed on the baby incubator. And, I just lost it. I thought, MY baby is supposed to lay there today, crying and latching on to Mark's finger, just like my three girls did. He is supposed to be cuddled under blankets, measured and weighed, and then be snuggled in my arms. Oh, it was so painful to think about these things...and I realized that "alone time" was not what I needed today!! When I was surrounded by love, I felt so much peace. And, I wanted that stillness in my soul to be what I could look back at and remember. And, I do.

My dad began a prayer for us, with a circle of people that took up the entire room. Oh, that was such a sweet time for us, as different people we love shared earnest prayers to God on our behalf.

Once again, I just have to say that the Lord Himself was in that room the whole day. He was comforting us, strengthening us, and giving us the gift of remembering sweet memories of what should have been an awful day. I remember one of the things my friend Jodi said the first night I talked to her was "The day you deliver will be so much better than what you imagine in your head. It was a sweet day for us, despite the sorrow." And, that is exactly what I would say about our day as well.
As my labor progressed, and my doctor began to see his head, she informed me that this would not be as easy as she thought...because he was bigger than she had expected. I was both glad and sad. I didn't want to have to put effort into this. I didn't want it to hurt physically as much as it hurt emotionally. But, I was also glad to hear that we had been growing big and healthy. It was a weird mix of emotions. And, even though I had to work a little, he came easily and peacefully. I remember crying so hard as he was born. It was so hard to not hear his sweet cry fill the room, and it was hard to lay there imagining what he looked like. I was worried. I was overwhelmed with emotion. God gave Mark amazing strength, and he spent the whole time just looking at Chase, and telling me about him, as they wrapped his little head and body so I could hold him. I remember saying "I don't think I can do this". What I meant was "God, give me strength to see my boy, knowing he won't be the way I want him to be!" And, once again, He gave it to me! Our sweet baby boy was precious and perfect to us. Immediately, I recognized the little features that I look at every day on my girls. The same little nose, the same perfect little lips, the same perfect eyebrows, and the same pudgy chin. I said "He looks just like Abby Kate!", and the tears flowed again.

One thing I will never forget as long as I live is how heavy he felt in my arms. I expected him to be much smaller, since he was born at 34 weeks. But, my sweet baby filled my arms up and did feel snuggly and cuddly! As he layed on my chest, I remember saying how good that felt. That is my favorite thing about those precious newborn moments, and I'm so glad I have that memory with my baby boy. I don't think any of us guessed he would be over 6 pounds, and that was a pleasant surprise. :)

Before this point, we had no idea what had caused our Chase to pass away. We had been given many different possibilities, and they had run many lab tests that day. But, after I delivered him, my doctor told me that our sweet baby boy had a blood clot in his umbilical cord just inches from his belly button...that kept him from getting the nutrients and oxygen he needed to live. She said that he most likely pinned his cord between a limb and the uteran wall, and that once the clot had formed, even if he moved his little body off the cord, there was no way to reverse what had happened. Once again, a mix of emotions...so glad to know an answer, but so sad to think of how this happened to an otherwise perfectly healthy baby! It surely makes me even more thankful for the three amazing miracles I have been given, as I am reminded of how precious life is and how miraculous pregnancy and birth really are.

After spending a long time with him, and watching Amber snap beautiful pictures of all his tiny parts, we called the family and friends in to meet Chase. Those hours were so sweet, as he was loved on by grandparents, great-grandparents, aunts, and friends. There were many tears shed, as we grieved this great loss. And, I shed many tears as I watched my sweet family say goodbye to our precious boy. Even still, the room was filled with a spirit of sweetness. Really. I don't know how to describe it, but I truly do remember it that way.

After we moved to our own room, we had the girls come visit. While we were loving on them, Chase spent some time being loved on by grandparents downstairs. The girls were so excited to see us, and I got amazing hugs that felt so good. I was SO glad to see my sweet girls, and spend time with them. Look at this family full of smiles!Of course, Kendyll's first question was "Did you have baby Chase? Can I hold him?" It was so hard to not have their baby brother there, ready to snuggle with his proud big sisters. It hurt my heart to tell her no...but, I knew after seeing him that it would not be best for them. He didn't look like a healthy baby like they would expect. And, even though we could see past that as adults, I wasn't sure they could. He was also rather fragile, somewhat difficult to hold, and there were other issues that would have been hard for them to see, we'll just leave it at that. I just didn't want any of them to have negative memories of their baby brother. So, we opted for them to see pictures of him instead.

I truly thank the Lord that they all seemed okay with that. And, they still have been okay with that. I was so worried that they wouldn't understand and would be sad that we made that decision, but as we explained it to them, they seemed to have peace about it.

Instead, they climbed all over my bed, ate the yummy snacks from our sweet friends, and explored the hospital room just as I expected them to. :) Saying bye as they were leaving was very hard, especially for Abby Kate, who kept kissing my boo-boo's, and was obviously worried about me staying there. She asked "Mommy, you not have baby anymore?" I said "No, sweet girl, I don't". She kissed my tummy and kissed my arm, and just hugged me over and over. Oh, such a precious gift she is! I talked about our hours left with Chase in my last post, as we held him longer, treasuring our time with our precious son. We looked at all his parts and tried to store up all of these moments in our hearts. We said goodbye, after sobbing over his bassinet, and tried to sleep.

The next day, Mark had the job of running to shop for the girls. We always give them surprises at the hospital (usually from their new sibling), and we hadn't done that this time. I wanted their memories of being there with me to be fun and happy, so I wrote a short list of some basic things to get the girls at the nearby Target. When Mark got back, it looked like Christmas morning!! He is SUCH a good girl dad and totally shopped without my help, picking up the latest Barbie dolls from their favorite new movie, Disney princess suncatchers, their favorite candies, some arts and crafts, and some baby ponies for Abby Kate. (Literally, I kept some stuff hidden in the sack for later, because it overtook my entire hospital bed!)
But, boy were they excited when they got there and saw the fun! They were also glad to see me looking better and without an IV! We had lunch with all the aunts and Gammy, and spent some time playing. It was nice to have them there, and to be mommy. :) And, here is the most amazing Daddy in the world. I think they agree with me. :) Then, the girls went to the Arboretum for the afternoon while Mommy, Daddy, and Abby Kate made our way home. Even as we were preparing to leave, the nursing staff and hospital was so kind. Everyone treated us so respectfully, and took care of us so well.

We have been amazed as we have looked back at those five days, and we truly thank God for taking care of every step of the way. I still don't know how I survived it...but not only did I survive it, I felt blessed throughout it all. We have been truly "abiding" in the Lord throughout this week, and it really is the best place to be...at His side, in His arms, under His wings. I don't know how else we would have made it.

"We put our hope in the Lord. He is our help and shield. In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. Let your unfailing love surround us, Lord, for our hope is in you alone!" Psalm 33:20-22