The Lord has Provided...

Here I am with a blank blog page in front of me...it's the image that has made me nervous for the last couple of days, as I try to make sense of all of my thoughts enough to write them down here in some way that makes sense. All week, I've described myself as "muddled" in my thoughts and words. So, it is my prayer, that He will give me the words to speak, and to share with all of you. And, I'm asking your patience with me as I use way too many words and jump around way too much...There is just so much to say, (and of course I want it to be in order!), but it's hard to know where to start. So, I'll just start with this:

THANK YOU.

*Thank you for my friends and family, who know my needs before I do, and just take care of them. Thank you for the amazing large circle of support we have been given, that literally carries us each day. Thank you for the food, the flowers, the cards, the emails, the texts, the messages, the blogs...there have been hundreds and we have read and cried over each and every single act or word of love, even if we haven't been able to respond directly to you yet.

*Thank you, Lord, for carrying us and holding us so close that we physically feel Your presence. Thank you for filling us each morning with your new mercies, for singing songs of healing over us, and for showering your compassion on us. I've never felt it so strongly or needed it so much. Without You, we would have no hope, no peace, no smiles. But, because of You and all that You have so obviously provided this week, we are full of hope, peace, and many smiles, even in the midst of tears. (In fact, many times I've found myself crying and laughing at the same time!) I have never before in my life felt so empty, so lost, so sad, and at the exact same time, felt so strong, so peaceful, and so full. It is something I couldn't describe if I tried, except to say that it is ONLY the Lord--and the prayers of His people--that could fill us in this time. And, we praise His name for that!!

*Thank you, Father, for making your Hand so incredibly obvious this week. You have continuously taken our breath away as we watch you work. From the moment we found out the news that our sweet baby boy had passed away, You were already providing for us. The way you took care of the details that I never could have, just amazes me and leaves me with such deep gratitude for my "Jehovah Jireh", the God who Provides. (Friends and family who are reading this, I will try my best to acknowledge all of these details as I tell my story...) God, your sweet and tender fingerprints were all over this entire journey thus far, and I am confident that we will continue to see them in the weeks and months to come, as we continue to walk beside You through this.

*Thank you to my sweet husband, who has led and carried our family with a strength that the Lord has provided to him in extra large doses. He has been my rock, my comfort, and an AMAZING Daddy to our girls during this week of sorrow. Mark, I love you more every day, and am so proud of you. I'm honored to walk next to you through this grief, as you continually pray for the Lord's direction for our family, and for Him to use this ultimately for His glory. You're amazing, and He is using you in mighty ways...

*Thank you to my immediate family...my mom and dad, and John and Cheri...your love and gentle hugs make it all feel better in many ways. And, even though I know you want to take away this pain, we thank you for giving us the foundation of faith in our lives that now helps us walk through the valley, KNOWING without a doubt where our help comes from. Thank you for all you have done to make sure our girls are well taken care of. That means more to me than anything in this world! You have shared your love and support for Mark and me again and again during these first few days and we appreciate it more than you can know. My sweet grandparents have also brought food (including my favorite desserts!), flowers, and many hugs, and we have all enjoyed this extra time with each of you too.

*To my sweet, amazing sisters...how can I even begin to say thank you? You have cried with me, laughed with me, given me words when I had none, brought me what I need in the moment I needed it, even when I didn't know. You have grieved for this baby boy like he was your own, and I can't tell you what that means to me. Thank you most of all for being available at all hours of every day, just to talk through the emotional roller coaster that I am riding--and for jumping on and riding alongside me. (And, you KNOW I don't like roller coasters!) Thank you for making Chase's celebration so much more than I had even dreamed. It will always be a wonderful day in my mind and heart, and so much of it was because of you.

*Thank you, our precious angel, Brooke, who was our "nurse with a halo" from Presbyterian Hospital. She was there for the first moments last Sunday night, when we wanted so badly for the news to be wrong. She stood beside us, didn't try to avoid the pain we were in, and instead, asked to be put with us for the entire day of delivery on Wednesday. She is now considered to be "part of the family", and is truly a gift from the Lord to make that day more peaceful and good than I ever thought possible. She was with us every minute of the day, and walked me through the rough times with such grace and love. We appreciate you so much and can never tell you the priceless gift you gave us by serving us the way you did. It was no coincidence that God prompted you to walk into "Room 3" that night...

*Thank you to my amazing doctor, who has been with me since the beginning of my married life. She delivered Kendyll, Carlie, and Abby Kate, and has walked me through surgeries, cysts, and scary times too. She was not there Sunday night when we found out, but was on the phone as fast as she could be, even during a very important family time at her house. She bawled with me, and just kept saying "I wish I was there" and "I'm just so sorry". We talked from home over the next two days, and when I saw her sweet face on Wednesday morning, I just sobbed. She walked me through one of the hardest days of my life, and I will never forget the vision of seeing her deliver my sweet boy with tears streaming down her face. Her love for our family, and her amazing way of doing her job, is another fingerprint of God for me. He was taking care of us through her skilled hands and open heart. She held my hand as I watched my son get his bath, cried with me some more, and told me how beautiful he was. So much more than her job description calls for...but so much what I needed.

*Thank you to our other angel, Amber, who spent over 12 hours with our family on the day we met Chase, to capture every moment on camera. She is an amazing photographer (who happens to also be famous from her appearance on Extreme Home Makeover!), with a heart for the Lord. She ministered to our family in so many ways, and has given us the most priceless gift we could ever have received...pictures of our sweet baby boy, memories that will last a lifetime. I have looked at them daily and can't get enough of his sweet little feet. Amber, "thank you" is not sufficient to tell you how much you mean to our family. Listening to your story, and seeing your passion for this ministry was amazing. And, your tender way of walking that 12 hour road with us was a gift in itself. Friends and family, if you feel so inclined, please support this amazing ministry of "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep", which you can find on my sidebar. They capture the short but sweet lives of children just like Chase for no profit or charge to these families. Absolutely amazing.

The thank you's could go on and on, and I'll probably be adding to the list as the days go on. That is probably the most incredible blessing from this entire week. We have SO MUCH to be thankful for, and I am so glad that God has made those blessings so apparent to us, even in the midst of sadness. Each one of you has played a role in our healing already, so thank you for walking beside us, lifting us in prayer, and offering yourselves in so many ways this week. "Thank you" is just not adequate..."Your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer" Ps. 95:19

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Naming our Baby Boy...

Chase Allen Jacobs

"...whom I call by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made" Isaiah 43:7

Okay...Before I continue with our story from this week (I warned you I would be scattered!), I want to "finish" the last blog I had done, about our sweet boy's name. As many of you know, we had a hard time deciding on a boy's name this time around. We went through quite a list, and had many suggestions from the girls on what his name should be. We were all wanting something different, and it was starting to really worry me that we would never decide! One night, I was literally reading EVERY name in the "C" list to Mark...because he had at least compromised and told me I could use a "C" or "K". So, name after name, his answer was "no". Most of them I agreed with. There are some really bad names out there! When I said "Chase", he stopped and looked at me and said "That's not bad!" Now, that doesn't sound like an amazing "ah ha" moment...but for us, it was progress. :)

So, then it was time to ask the next question that Mark always asks on a name: Would it be a good sports name? Could they call it over a loudspeaker at a big baseball playoff game, and would he sound good? Obviously, that is what is most important when you're having a boy, right?

So "Chase" got the okay for the sports name...in fact, it was even better than that, because it has been proven to be a good sports players' name by a few who are currently playing sports successfully with the name "Chase". :) So, we were closer and closer to this being "the one".

I liked it because it still went with my girls' names, but was still "boyish", as Carlie says. (We had to make sure he stood out as "the boy" in the list of our family names!) My only hang-up, which actually continued until the week before last, was that I didn't LOVE it with "Jacobs". It kind of got caught in my mouth, and I felt like it was too many consonants in one name. Yes, this is why we take a while to name our children. Too many things to consider! :)

After weeks and weeks of me being the only one to resist the name, Kendyll said a prayer for our family and prayed for "Baby Chase". After the prayer, she informed me that Chase would be his name for now, until I thought of something else. After that, we just started calling him by name, and I especially smiled when I heard Abby Kate talk about "Baby Chase". I even had her say "Chase Jacobs" many times to hear what it sounded like. It sounded absolutely precious.

Ironically, I also just began telling others his name days before we found out he had passed away. Even that morning at church, I tentatively announced his name to others. But, as I said it more and more, it sounded better and better. I have to say that now, it sounds absolutely perfect. And, I love that he had an official name---that we all agreed on---before we found out our terrible news. It is the most perfect name, and it has been spoken in prayer after prayer for our family...which makes it sound even sweeter.

Now, on to his middle name. "Allen" is Mark's middle name, and when we first found out it was a boy, I asked him if this was a name he wanted to pass on. We haven't done that with any of the girls, so we weren't sure if we would do it this time or not. As time passed and we discussed different options for middle names, Mark felt more and more drawn to use his name for his son. And, I totally understood and agreed. What is special about that name is that it belonged to his sweet Grandmother, as her maiden name. She passed away earlier this year, so we wanted to honor her with passing her name on to her grandson. Little did we know, that by the end of this year, she would be holding him on her lap, smiling her sweet smile, and whispering his special name. Grammer, along with Grandad, Papa, Grandma, and Little Mama are taking care of our little guy in a beautiful place...in a way only grandparents can...until we can be there to hold and kiss him.

Sweet Chase Allen, we love your name, and we love you. It will be a treasured name in our home and our lives forever.