One Month...and lots of thoughts

First, thank you for sharing in my love for those precious feet from my last post. :) I'm glad so many others agree that they are the sweetest feet ever created. I wish every one of you could have felt their softness. It's truly something I pray I will never forget. I remember the instinct I had in the first moments I held Chase---to cover his feet and hands with my hands because they were so cold. I wanted so badly to warm them. The mommy in me kicked in to "caretaking" without me even realizing what I was doing. I remember staring at his tiny toes, and I remember us talking about how long his feet were (and of course how good of an athlete he would have been.)

And, I remember thinking that our Great Creator left no detail undone as He created this precious one, even when He knew the number of Chase's days. There have been days where I've wondered WHY God took the time to make our baby so absolutely perfect, both inside and outside his body, knowing he would only live in my womb? But, I have been reminded time and time again that the Lord has shown HIS glory through Chase's small, tiny, and absolutely perfect features. He "knit him together", knowing all the while, that each of his tiny parts would be cherished by a mommy and daddy who loved him from day one. It's also been comforting to me to know that as much as I love my baby boy---literally to the point of my heart bursting---He loves him so much more than I can fathom. He created Chase. He is His child. He knows every hair on his head, and spent time determining every detail of who he was to be. And, He is gazing at him with love even now. He created him perfectly because of that great love!

But, let me tell you, his sweet perfection is sure missed around here.

Grief is a funny thing. Actually, to be honest, it's a frustrating thing. I have a good day, where I'm able to list 10 things that make me happy. And, then I have a day where the pit in my stomach grows throughout the day, and my loss feels stronger than ever. On those days, the tears always feel just below the surface, and the desire to just sit and be still before the Lord is so strong. (Too bad my two year old doesn't agree that I should be sitting before the Lord all day!)

Tonight, I'm struggling with what all to write here...how much do I share in such a "public" way? It is a rather vulnerable feeling to share your feelings, your thoughts, your prayers in this way, especially when you consider yourself to be a rather "private" person (hence, the "private" blog and the lack of participation in things like facebook before now!)

But, yet, God keeps calling me to this place of surrender. Not just surrender before Him as I grieve. But, also surrender to the guard I place around me. As uncomfortable and "exposed" as it may feel, I do want others to see both the good and bad moments of grief, so that you see the real me. And, so that the Lord can use it for good.

I also know that being open and honest is how others know what to pray for. And, for that I am so very grateful.

Many people have asked if there are specific dates they should be praying for. And, the answer is yes. Especially this week. But, really every week, when I think about it...

Every Sunday, I need prayer because I remember the Sunday night we found out our lives had changed, and that Chase would not be part of it.

Every Monday, I need prayer because I count how many "weeks" pregnant I would be on that day.

Every Wednesday, I need prayer because it counts another week from when Chase was born.

Tomorrow, I need prayer, because it could have been the day Chase arrived, if he was like his sisters. Instead, it is the date that I am seeing my doctor for my four week follow-up appointment.

I can't believe it's been four weeks tomorrow. One month of time now has no context to me. It feels like yesterday and it feels like a lifetime ago.

So, I do covet your prayers for this week in general. It's yet another marker of time---one month---since this unfamiliar journey began for us. And, yet, we do continue to be amazed at how much the Lord has worked in us in these few weeks, already for good.

"Thank you for praying" seems so trite to say. But, please know it is meant from the depths of our hearts. It is still what carries us each day, as He bends His ear down to listen to the sweet prayers of His people. We feel our burden lifted and we have no doubt of the reason.

Today, I listened to an old hymn that just resonated in my soul. I do find myself literally standing on His promises. His promises that tell me that He is with me, and that He has plans for my future that will bless me and not harm me. I know this is true. I can feel this is true. I rest in this truth. But, sometimes I just need His gentle reminder that it's still true today, when I am sad, and tomorrow, when my arms still feel too empty. Thank you Lord that you are the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow, and that all I have to do is rest in You alone.

Standing on the promises I shall not fall,

List'ning every moment to the Spirit's call.

Resting in my Savior as my All in All,

Standing on the promises of God.

And, while I'm on song lyrics, here is part of Glory Baby (a song from my playlist), that again reminds me that God is working, even on the hard days...for our good.

Sweet little baby,

it’s hard to understand it

'cause we’re hurting,

We are hurting.

But there is healing

And we know we’re stronger people

through the growing

And in knowing--

That all things work together for our good.

And God works His purposes just like He said He would...

Just like He said He would!

"No eye has seen, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him." I Corinthians 2:9