I wasn't actually going to blog about this today. I don't know why, really. But, here I am anyway.
At this very moment, 18 months ago, I was holding this precious boy in my arms for the last few moments.
18 months ago, I couldn't imagine life after this day. I couldn't imagine what healing looked like or how I would ever go through a day without the sadness.
I knew I would. Because God promised it to me. So, I desperately clung to that promise. But, I still couldn't picture it.
Tonight, as we worshipped with our church (yes, yet again...without planning it, I was blessed with a worship night on Chase's 18 month birthday...and yes, yet again...Chris read Chase's life verse in the service without realizing it. CRAZY, I tell you. :) )
Anyway, as we worshipped and sang, I thought about the healing God has so graciously given me. I sang "Jesus conquered the grave" and cried--not because of sorrow, but because of thanksgiving! We sang "all of my life, in every season, YOU are STILL GOD, I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship", and I meant it. Every season brings us closer to God. But, I truly think this season of loss and grief and healing has literally brought me into the center of His heart, and I've abided there. It is the most amazing feeling in the world. And, to think it came through suffering.
But, I couldn't imagine any of it 18 months ago.
Tonight after the service, I was blessed to pray over a mom I had never met, who lost her son a few months ago in a very similar way. As I prayed for peace and strength for her...and for her to have something beautiful created out of the ashes of loss...I was filled with tears on her behalf. Because I remember being in the place where I couldn't imagine what that beauty would look like.
Oh, my little Chase. I could have never imagined the life you would bring me. And, today, you are officially at my very favorite age. I imagined your little face alot today. What you would be doing now, what my life would be like as your mommy.
And, at the very same time, I imagined what my life would be like if you hadn't come just as you did, for exactly the time you did, in exactly the way you did.
I also imagined the day when I see you again and all the pain of this world is absolutely melted away. Oh, I dream of the day!
You are a gift. We celebrate you today. Jesus has conquered the grave. I do have a reason to sing. I do have a reason to worship.
I love you and miss you. And, I have no doubt you would be the cutest 18 month old EVER. :)
8 comments:
Praying for you on Chase's 18th month anniversary, praising God for his life and how much of a difference He has made through Chase in those months around the world. Chase has touched so many lives.
The 12th anniversary of our daughter's welcome Home took place last week, and I, too, couldn't have imagined what healing looked like, and at times struggled to believe it would come, even though God promised it.
He brought it, beyond measure.
What a wonderful, hard day! To rejoice becuase of where God has brought you, but to know one little one is still is missing.
Once again, you have been gifted with words that encourage!! I LOVE seeing you abide in the center of God's heart! It is so obvious to all of us that you are there!!
Praying for you as you sift through the "what ifs" and surrender them to The Plan that God chose for you instead. I can imagine that that is such a hard discipline. My heart continues to ache for your loss of Chase here on earth. I know God gave you such a gift and you have been faithful to guard and share that gift to His Glory, but the friend part of me just aches over what you lost. O how I wish the story were different....and yet so many things now would be different too. We are boarding a plane tomorrow to go meet our precious daughter in Ethiopia because of Chase! He has led COUNTLESS children to new life b/c of your faithfulness to God's plan for you!
Prayers continue! Chase continues to be w/ us!! Thank you for sharing him so openly! We love him and we love all of you!!
Jaime
The Lord's faithfulness can truly bring us up from anything. I know your little toddler is anxiously waiting for his family to enjoy the Paradise he is living in. I love you Chelsea!
Chelsea, I love your heart. What an amazing encouragement you have been to me over the last 6 months. What an amazing God we serve. He is so good and faithful! Chase is such a lucky boy to have a mommy like you.
Chelsea, I am so proud of you and your amazing faith through all of this. You inspire me to trust God completely, to live my life for God alone, and to be thankful for the mountains and valleys that we face in this life. You are clearly in step with God and His spirit and I thank God for you and your desire to continue to follow HIM no matter what! I can only imagine what this day brings for you, but do want you to know that I still remember Chase often and think of all of you. Chase is precious and such a blessing, my heart aches for you as a mom. I hope and pray that his life will continue to touch other's souls for Christ and that God's grace, love, and promises continue to fill your heart and mind. Thank you God for the Jacob's and their example of faith!
Sweetness!
Friend, you continue to be such a reflection of our Father's heart. His grace, His love, His hope is all over you. Thank you for being so vulnerable. Thank you for pressing into Christ in the most difficult of times. You are an inspiration as a mom and as a child of God. And I can't wait to meet your precious Chase when we all get to go Home. Love you!
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