I've been handed a megaphone...

After my last few posts, I was feeling last night like I needed to post something different. Something about some other part of our life, with cute pictures of the girls, or a story or two about what they are up to right now. Something "light". Just for a breather. Not really for me, but for all of you, my sweet friends and readers.

I know it can feel heavy to keep reading the thoughts of a mommy in grief. So, I thought maybe I could shake it up a little.

I even have the cute pictures ready to go! The girls and I had a good day yesterday, and I just enjoyed watching them play together, smiling and laughing, and being kids. I have pictures to share of my little "doctor" in training (she treats animals, Barbies, and babies!)...

And, today, she even had time to fit Mary & Jesus in to her busy schedule!

Oh, that little smile. It does my heart good.

I have pictures of my puddle jumpers (look at those sweet booted feet!)...

...and my night-time acrobats (Dad, don't you love what else your stage can be used for?).

So, that's what I thought I would blog about...

But, when I got the blog comment today from my sweet friend, Becky, I was reminded that it's okay for me to share more than cute pictures and fun stories if I need to. She said "In pain and suffering, you are handed a megaphone that the world might know what is really in your heart...for one's heart cannot help but cry out." And, it's true that I can't help but share my heart...For once, I have a megaphone and I'm not afraid to use it. :)

So, excuse me, as I grab it once again, and talk a little.

Today has been a very hard day. And, my emotions have once again roller-coastered (I know that's not a word but I'm using it anyway!) up and down. Today, I couldn't even put my finger on what "started it". It was just a gnawing feeling in my stomach that I couldn't shake. I guess that's what they call grief.

Throughout the day, I've been very emotional, wanting Chase's sweet face to be staring back at mine, as we hang out on our little corner of the couch where I've fed my other little two-week olds. I've found myself daydreaming alot today...maybe because it's the two week mark...or maybe just because I haven't done so in a couple of days. But, I am back to those thoughts of his eyes, his cry, his smile...all those details of my son that I don't know enough about. I want to know more of him than I do.

And, most of the day, I just took notice of myself, as I wondered about what our "new normal" will look like, as so many describe it. It's odd to see yourself as such a different person than you were just a few weeks ago. Of course, my perspective is different. And, so is Mark's. We've talked countless times about how things that mattered before, now just seem so silly. I know that, too, is a normal part of what we're walking through right now. Even looking at lists I had made of "must get these things done" items from the week before we lost Chase...they just seem so silly. All useful things, but none of which matter to me today.

In fact the phrase "must get these things done" describes me well. To say that I am a woman who loves her to "to-do lists" is an understatement (as many of you already know). I usually have at least 3 lists going at a time. I'm a planner, an organizer, and I like being efficient. I suddenly realized today that I haven't written any form of a list in 18 days. That is seriously a lifetime record for me. (Actually, I take that back...I wrote a list for Target a few days ago, but forgot to buy two things off the list and wouldn't have been able to find at least three others if it weren't for me dear friend, Alyssa, who shopped with me and helped me locate things like paper towels and razors...a task that seemed beyond me at the time!)

These days, instead of getting things done or running errands, my days run minute by minute without any real plan. I just spend time straightening my house, doing some laundry, reading ALOT (I'm in the middle of 5 or 6 books plus my Bible, which is a subject for another blog), and playing with my kids. Not much else seems to matter to me right now. It's a weird feeling to have...but I'm realizing I could get used to this "new normal"...and this new perspective.

Except, I could do without the groggy brain I have. Today, I left to pick the girls up at school and forgot my purse at home, and then proceeded to go to our church instead of our school to get the girls! Now, as my husband joked with me, that is a normal thing for him to do. But, it's NOT something I do! I'm never that spacy. I rarely ever forget things. And, I really try hard not to be late anywhere. I prefer to be in control of situations and to have pre-thought anything I am responsible for each day. Instead, I feel like I'm now flying by the seat of my pants (NOT my favorite feeling, usually) and living life hour by hour.

Today when I was talking to God about how I HAVE to figure out how to function normally again on some levels, even if my perspective has changed, His voice spoke right back to me: All I heard was "I'm undoing you." What? Not a word I use often...or ever. He's undoing me. Hmmm. He's right. He's peeling back layers and layers of myself...of my need for control, of my perfectionism, of my efficiency, of my to-do-list-making-mind...all the parts of me that so desperately needed pruning. And, all the parts of me that keep me from His heart. From abiding solely in Him. From needing only Him. Sure, these are things I've always been aware of about myself. And, they were probably things I knew should change. The thing is: I preferred myself that way. I got ALOT done that way. I could schedule in a quiet time quite strategically along with all the other activities and demands of each day, and I'm ashamed to say I felt quite filled by spending that scheduled time with the Lord.

But, for now, I don't "schedule in" my time with God. I don't plan it. I just need it. And, I need it over and over throughout my day. It's changed from a specific part of my day, to just my whole day. I need His presence while I'm wiping the kitchen counter. I need His strength when I'm folding my laundry. I need His comfort when I'm putting the girls to bed. I need His word when I wake up and when I lie down. I'm watching myself--even in two weeks--change daily more into what He wants me to be and into what He knows I need to be. Centered on Him, focused on Him...and not on my agenda, my plans, myself.

He's undoing me. And, that is a good thing. As I told my friend, Sara, the other day...as much as I grieve over all that has happened, and long so deeply to hold my baby boy, I don't want these changes to go away. I don't want to go back to my "normal". I want the Lord to continue to change my heart to look more like His, and for Him to keep gently leading me into a closer and more constant walk with Him.

Okay, I'm putting the megaphone down (for now). Thanks for listening...again. :)

I'll leave you with a song that is a part of my playlist below. It's Ginny Owens, and it speaks straight to my heart. Thank you, Jodi, for reminding me of the greatness of this song in the first 24 hours of my pain. What's ironic is that it was already one of my favorite songs by Ginny. Now, it speaks even louder to me. :)

"If You Want Me To"

The pathway is broken, and the signs are unclear.

And I don't know the reason why You brought me here.

But just because You love me the way that You do,

I'm gonna walk through the valley if you want me to.

'Cause I'm not who I was, when I took my first step.

And I'm clinging to the promise, You're not through with me yet.

So if all of these trials bring me closer to You,

Then I will go through the fire, if You want me to.

It may not be the way I would have chosen,

As You lead me through a world that's not my home,

But You never said it would be easy,

You only said I'd never go alone.

So when the whole world turns against me, and I'm all by myself.

And, I can't hear You answer my cries for help.

I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through,

And I will go through the valley, if You want me to.