A Mother's Heart

What is it about a mother's heart? What makes my heart so different than it was before these two girls entered my world? (What isn't different, is what I should ask, I guess!)

It's 8:30 pm and I have just said good night to my sweet little Kendyll. She melts my heart in a way that I can't describe....but I know all you other moms know what I mean. Tomorrow morning, at 5:45 am, we will be leaving for the hospital, for her tonsillectomy. Although I know that this is a routine surgery with very little risk whatsoever, I still have that tinge of worry, knowing that it's my baby they're "working on".

But, more than the worry I have for that, I can completely see the anxiety that Kendyll feels anytime she's faced with the unknown. I guess it's true for any four year old, but especially my four year old!

Today, we went and picked out brand new pajamas for the hospital, which look absolutely adorable on her, by the way. We got every type of soft-serve cold food that the grocery store offers for her recovery---pudding, jello, popsicles, yogurt, push-pops, gatorade, "strawberry water"...She is set! She also got to pick out some activities to do while she is bed-bound the next few days.

Then, tonight, she got to pick any restaurant that she wanted for her last meal before no more solid stuff is allowed. She first picked Wendy's, but after mom vetoed that, she picked pasta, which landed us at Olive Garden---yum! We had such a great dinner with the family, and we even got to have Grandma here, who is being so kind to stay a few extra days on her trip to take care of Carlie during all of this.

We got home, gave the girls long bubble baths, and opened more "recovery" surprises from Grandma! Lots of fun crafts to keep her busy for hours! Beads, stickers, paper dolls, and all kinds of other things!

We picked out what stuffed animal was going to surgery with her, packed her some special books to pass the time, and got her bag ready with anything she thought she needed. The last thing before "lights out" was reading her a story about a girl who had a tonsillectomy. It was a coloring book I found from the internet which explained every step---Arriving at the hospital, waiting for them to call her name, meeting the anesthesiologist, getting the "sleeping juice", waking up sore, getting to eat a popsicle, going home and resting, and then playing outside in a week!

Mark and I had a special prayer time with her and told her that God would be taking care of her and we would be right beside her the whole time.

At this point, when the door was closing and goodnights had been said, the anxiety began. She had been doing so well and had actually been excited about the whole idea of getting treats and yummy desserts for every meal. But, I guess reality hit, as I knew that it eventually would, and her reaction was so familiar to my own. She first cried a little and said she was scared. We sang another song about God taking care of our worry. But, then, she matter-of-factly told me this:

"Mommy, when you wake me up tomorrow, I will get in the car with you. But, when we get to the waiting room and they call my name, I am not going back there. " I said "Kendyll, I know you're still a little worried about how tomorrow will go." (relying on my good old play therapy education!! Reflecting that feeling, baby!) She shook her head yes, and then said "And, even if I do go back there, when they give me that juice stuff, it is not going to make me sleepy." I said, "Okay, we'll just wait and see what happens, okay?" She says "Well, what if I never get sleepy?" I said "Well, then we'll just keep reading your special books and coloring your pages you picked out". She just looked at me, like "What? I can get out of this if I don't go to sleep?" Then, she said, "Okay, Mommy, that sounds good.....long pause....I'm really brave, aren't I? I really think I will be brave." "You are the bravest girl I know, Kendyll. " "Mommy, can you tell me what the waiting room looks like?" And on the conversation went....again.

Oh, it was the sweetest thing. She has that familiar struggle between the fear that makes her want to run away from it and at the same time wanting so badly just to be able to face it without any worry. Sweet girl. I feel the same way about so many anxious-filled things in my own life.

So, please say a little prayer tomorrow for our sweet girl. That all will go well. That she will have peace and be calm. That she will know that it's okay if she's not brave, and it's okay if she is. And, that her recovery will be smooth and easy.

(By the way, I am about five days behind on blogging, so one of these days, I will post pictures of our weekend at the ranch.)