Abby Kate + Chase = True Love

I've had some sweet conversations with Abby Kate lately about Chase. As I've said so many times before on this blog, Chase is in our conversations every single day, especially among his sisters.

I love that his name is just always called out in the "list" of family members. I love that his cute little baby self is always drawn in his big sisters' pictures. I love that the pumpkin by our fireplace was named Chase, and that every "C" we see is for "Carlie and Chase". And, I love that Abby Kate is especially obsessed with her little brother.

As we decorated for Christmas tonight, everything was a little hard. Just like last year, I kind of secretly dreaded doing it. And, just like last year, my dread was turned into gladness, as I watched the JOY on those girls' faces as they unpacked boxes of memories and decorated the house.

But, bringing out the decorations still reminded me of last year...which reminded me of the pain...which reminded me that he's still not here...which made me think about what a FUN age he would be for this Christmas...which made me sad.

What's funny is that Abby Kate has talked about him constantly lately...so I wasn't alone in my thoughts of Chase tonight. :) She loves him ALOT.

I wanted to write a few of the recent things down, so I didn't forget.

*Last week, Mark had the big girls in his car, and Abby Kate was driving home with me from a little Starbucks run. Granted, she had a big cup of hot chocolate, but I still don't know why she was as chatty as she was. Maybe it was because she was finally alone!

She began talking about the clouds and what shapes they were. This led immediately to talking about Chase, since in her mind, he lives on a cloud.

"Mommy, Chase lives on the clouds and he bounces to them and then jumps on the star and then he's gonna come back down here. He will be bigger then."

Then, a few minutes later....

"Mommy!! Did you see that sign? It said "Chase lives in heaven!"

Two minutes later...

"Mommy! There was ANOTHER sign! It said 6-3-5-Chase is with Jesus!" (Now, this part was funny because we were on I-635 in Dallas, so she had read the numbers on the side of the road and added the Jesus part herself. :)

I told her how much I love her and that I was so glad that she loved her baby Chase so much.

She said "I do love Chase so much."

*Yesterday, Abby Kate talked about him after church. She learned about sharing with others in class, and she told me that she will share with Kendyll and Carlie and Chase.

*This afternoon, she said "Mommy, when we get our baby from Africa, we will have ALOT of kids. We will have Kendyll, Carlie, Abby Kate, Chase, and a baby. And, I think there will be TWO babies from Africa...one from Ghana." Not sure if she is prophesying or what, but I LOVE that Chase is a part of her list. :)

*She had quite a few questions tonight at dinner about Chase. The conversation started because of her friend in her class named Eli. She said "That's the same as baby Eli!" (her cousin)

Me: "And, Eli is about to have a birthday! He's going to turn ONE!"

AK: "Then, Eli will be older than Chase!" {This really confused Carlie, who then asked me "Is Eli older than Chase?"}

Me: I explained that Chase was born before Eli, and that Chase would have turned one already.

AK: "Where was Eli when Chase was borned? Was Eli already a baby?"

Me: "He was in Aunt Cassie's tummy. He was growing and growing like Aunt Cortni's baby is right now."

AK: "Why did Chase come out and hold Daddy's hand?" Wow. This was a new one.

Me: "Chase had already died before he came out, Abby Kate. So, we held him for a while and took lots of pictures so we could show him to you."

AK: "And then you sent him up to heaven?" Wow again. This hit me hard. She just assumed we had chosen for him to go to heaven?

Me: "Chase did go to heaven, but we didn't send him there. We wish he could be here right now eating dinner with us. It made us sad that he died, but, now he is living in heaven forever. This was followed by a brief explanation of death and heaven. "After we die, we get to go to heaven with God. So, that makes us happy."

WOW. This was deeper than AK had ever gone before, and it made me realize even more about how this cute little mind works.

Honestly, it broke my heart. She longs for her brother to be here, and doesn't fully understand why he's not. She wants to be a big sister so much, and would be SO good at it. I really wish she was. I know she will be, but I want it to be NOW. She loves Chase so much, and I'm very glad for that. I am so thankful that he is not gone from our hearts or lives or conversations. But, oh, how my heart ached to have to verbally say again that he is gone forever.

And, that he won't come back after he plays on the stars. As much as I wish he would. :)

Tonight, we were decorating each of the girls' trees in their bedrooms, Abby Kate got very excited about adding Chase's special ornaments to the big tree downstairs. I am looking forward to taking them to get his new ornament this year too. I can already tell that it will mean ALOT to our little Katers, especially.