Coming Home...The Good and the Bad

I took a couple of days off from updates, because I honestly didn't have anything good to say. I know that sounds harsh, but it has really been an interesting couple of days. My feelings have totally caught me off guard. I fully expected to have a tough time re-entering the American world as we know it. But, I really did not expect it to be THIS hard.

Tonight at dinner, after laughing hard with my girls and really enjoying being with my family for maybe the first time in two days, Mark said "It's good to have you back. I was starting to get worried." And, he's right. I've just not been myself.

We got off the plane in Atlanta, and I knew I was in trouble. I tried so hard to keep it together, but I couldn't. I just cried as I looked around at the abundance I saw everywhere. I mean, I could pick any food I wanted and just buy it without thinking twice. I felt completely overwhelmed. Sweet Mark was trying to be sensitive to me, but I really wonder if he thought I was a freak, as I bawled in the Chick-fil-A line. As he asked me what was wrong, I said "This all just makes me sick. Kids aren't even eating today, and we just have our pick of fourteen restaurants in a row."

So, pretty much, it went downhill from there.

We got home and I tried to be happy to be here again. I tried to feel the comfortable familiarity of sleeping in my own bed, being clean again in my own shower...but it all felt weird and not good at all.

I didn't care about getting my favorite meals, like I thought I would. I could barely even complete a sentence. I just was in a total funk. And, I couldn't stop thinking about the kids we left behind.

I even tried to be happy with my own children. I know. That sounds awful, and it was awful. I found myself shocked by their selfishness, annoyed with their comments about wanting more food, or disgusted with their complaint that they shouldn't clean up a mess because they didn't make the mess. It was REALLY hard not to compare their typical American attitudes to the children I just left in Ghana.

In fact, if it wasn't for Mark, I don't know what my kids would think of me right now. He stopped me many times from saying "Do you know what kids in Africa get for dinner?" Or, "Do you know that I NEVER heard a child in Ghana whine?!" He was so sweet and gentle with them, when I couldn't do it.

I know it's not their fault, but I truly could not just enjoy them without thinking of what the kids in Ghana were doing, feeling, needing...

As I've talked with my team mates in the last couple of days, it sounds like we're all experiencing the same "funk". In fact, Shannon (one of our team members) said today that she remembers Kay Warren describing the depression she experienced as she re-entered American life after her first trip to Africa.

So, I looked it up in her book. She nailed it with her term "gloriously ruined". This is what she says...

If very little in life had prepared me for what I experienced in Africa, nothing had prepared me to try and pick up my life again in affluent Orange County, California. Everything looked different; everyone seemed strange. I looked at my possessions differently. Suddenly a full refrigerator was an insult. The crowded grocery store shelves were excessive. The displays of fashion at the mall were trivial. Television was disgusting and moronic. Politics made me sick. Church was superficial. I was a mess...I was ruined for life as I had known it before, but gloriously ruined! Life will always hold a "before Africa" and "after Africa" classification for me now. I'm simply not the person I used to be...I've been shaped by these new experiences, and I will never be the same. Moreover, I don't want to be the same."

Then, she offers this wonderful advice to those who are also feeling gloriously ruined:

"Let me give you some hope! It takes time--weeks, even months--to settle into a new way of viewing the world, of achieving an equilibrium that allows you to feel the pain and sorrow of our world without being overwhelmed by it. Don't short-circuit the process of what God is trying to do in your heart just because it hurts. Give yourself some time to get used to the internal changes He is creating within you."

Thank you, Kay. It feels better even having a title for my feelings. I'm gloriously ruined. :)

Meanwhile, today has been a better day. My kids and I are back in our groove and I'm loving them like I should be. Ha ha. I also got to spend the day making Ghana come alive for a group of VBSers, by turning our missions room into Africa.

I realized that I was in the best mood at the end of today. And, I think it's because I was surrounded by Africa again today, and I was able to do something productive on behalf of these kids in Ghana. I want to be doing something for them. And, today felt like a tiny way to do that.

I also think the Lord is gently restoring my soul. There are so many passages in His word that are helping me do that. And, I'm so thankful to have friends and family too, who know where I am and help me process through all of this.

In the mean time, I wanted to share the pictures from when we arrived home and were greeted by our sweet, precious, beautiful girls (who really are good kids, even though I've been hard on them!)

We've had nightly concerts with their new African musical instruments and have some GREAT video of the songs they have written. Here is AK on the first day with her new toys.

They were also very proud to wear their new dresses from Ghana to church on Sunday too. Aren't they the prettiest girls ever?

(A huge thank you to Ma Amy for picking these dresses out. We were not able to join the group for the market day, so Amy did ALL my shopping for me! She did really well!!)

Thank you all for being patient with me as I re-enter the world. I know I have not returned emails or phone calls, and haven't caught up with many of you like I hoped to. I have just needed some time to process all that is going on in my head and my heart.

But, I'm comin' back. Different and changed--hopefully forever--but my smile is back on. And, that feels much better. :)