Three Months...

It's 2:25 a.m. and Mark just fell asleep. We have been up for hours talking, crying, and praying over our life as we now know it.

This marker of three months caught us by surprise.

And, I'm exhausted.

I'm too exhausted to write intelligibly, finding just the right words to describe the way I feel three months later.

I'm tired already of the milestones we endure, knowing we have a lifetime of them left. I love celebrating milestones for my kids, and it makes me sad that instead of marking Chase's first roll or laugh at three months, I'm marking the third month of him not being here like we thought.

I desperately want time to slow down and give me time to figure it all out. And, at the same time, I want to be done with all the "firsts" that keep looming in front of us.

Then again, I can't believe all the firsts we've already walked through that I never thought I could.

Our first holidays without him. Our first three months of anniversaries of the day we said hello--and goodbye--to our son. The first time I held another baby in my arms. The first day I didn't cry. The first time I tried to comfort someone else in my shoes, only to be without the words to do it. The first time I lost track of how many weeks it had been without him.

My thoughts are obviously scattered, but that's where I am tonight. Bouncing once again from high to low, without warning. So, I guess I am inviting you to bounce along with me if you don't mind. :)

My "mom" heart is heavy. Earlier this evening, I was making a list of scripture to pray over my children, because we have been seeing some behavior in all of them (and in us as parents) that concern us. And, as I sat there reading some of my favorite books, and looking up scripture, I felt God whisper to me: "Chelsea, they have lost their brother. They are hurting too."

Kendyll is a compassionate, kind, generous, and passionate child. And, she just seems to be "on edge" and distant one minute, overly emotional the next. And, craving time with us the moment after that. She talks about Chase all the time, and seems to notice the things that we're not getting to do with him more than anything else. And, I know this is totally normal.

Carlie has so many questions and so many precious thoughts about her brother. I can literally sense that she is thinking about him all the time. And, that she loves him so deeply even though she never knew him. She sings about him, prays about him...and this is normal too.

Abby Kate has been fascinated and has instantly fallen in love with her new cousin, Eli. If he is around, she is drawn to him and his tiny parts. She can't help but touch his head and say his sweet name again and again. She was meant to be a big sister.

All three of them seem to be breaking my heart. And, I've told God how much I desperately need His guidance as we parent them through this time.

We want to do this right. We want to point them to the One who holds all of this in His loving and capable hands. And, I'm afraid we fail at this more times than we would like to admit. But, that is one of my biggest fears...that I will look back and regret something I did or didn't do with them as they grieve. And, because God knows this about me, I know that His power WILL be made perfect in my weakness. I'm completely trusting that. His mercies are new every morning.

We are also struggling with big decisions of what to do from here with our sweet boy. We have waited purposely to make the right decision on where and how to honor him and his sweet body...and we feel like now it's time. Will you please pray for us as we decide what is best for our family? As of tonight, we have completely changed our minds again...we so need His guiding hand in this too.

I've mentioned before my struggle with grieving publicly like this, and I still question it. I don't want to feel like I have to grieve the right way so that I honor Chase enough. Or feel like I need to explain how I can have such joy and sorrow at the same time. I don't want to have to help people understand. I just want to be me.

I just want to be a good wife and mom who loves her husband and daughters who are here with me, and my son who is not. And, who honors her God who has perfectly planned each day of this little mom and wife's life.

I want to know the future. I want to see what He has planned for us. We're hearing Him speak in huge ways (more about this later), but my heart is wavering. Will we adopt? Will we get pregnant again? Will He use us in ways that don't include more of our own children? If so, I can't imagine that right now.

I KNOW without a DOUBT that He will bring beauty from ashes, that He will redeem what has been lost, and that He will--and already has--perform miracles for HIS glory in all of this. And for now, He tells me to trust Him, even though the future is unclear. He gently calls me to lay my plans down before Him...again. To surrender fully and to watch Him bless our lives in ways we could never have imagined.

Oh, how we want all of that and more, Lord! And, oh how we love the son you allowed us to have even for a moment. We long to honor his life, to celebrate his impact on our family and our world, and to glorify You, Father, even as you hold Chase in your loving arms today. Guide us, Lord. We desperately need to see Your way. And, to be led again today through the ups and downs of this road we are on. We love you and we surrender to Your plan for us, for we know we will see Your hand in this. "It will take our breath away to see the beauty that's been made out of the ashes..."

The Desert Song

This is my prayer in the desert

And all that's within me feels dry

This is my prayer in the hunger in me

My God is a God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire

In weakness or trial or pain

There is a faith proved

Of more worth than gold

So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise

I will bring praise

No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice

I will declare

God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle

And triumph is still on it's way

I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ

So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life

In every season

You are still God

I have a reason to sing

I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest

When favor and providence flow

I know I'm filled to be empited again

The seed I've received I will sow

Happy Three Months in heaven, Chase. We love you and we miss you.