Scattered Thanksgiving Thoughts

Yes, this will be scattered. What else have you come to expect, though, really?!

*We got a wonderful Thanksgiving gift this week. Baby Chase's life was honored once again, and sweet "Mushi" from Rwanda has been added to the ever-growing list of precious sponsored children on our sidebar. I'm currently working on a new list of these wonderful names to go on my bathroom mirror, so we can pray for all of these children daily without butchering their names. I was doing pretty well at remembering their names when there were a few, but I'm THRILLED that the list is growing too long to remember! I hope and pray that it keeps growing and growing...

*One of my favorite parts about Thanksgiving break: relaxation with the kids! Look at this pile of girls on one {small} couch!

I wish I could say they were watching the Thanksgiving Day parade with me, but they weren't. Way too many interviews interspersed with a float or two...not exactly as interesting as I thought it would be for them. Instead, they giggled their heads off at the Tom and Jerry cartoon marathon. Go figure.

*I have three cute turkeys, even though I don't have many pictures of our festivities this week. This one photo session will have to do. :) Abby Kate was NOT in the mood for pictures, due to being 2 hours behind on naptime for the day. I love this picture anyway because Carlie and Kendyll were trying to make her smile.

No such luck. We got "talk to the back" instead.

And, then we got frowny face Katers.

So, we decided to go with individual pictures rather than the group shot. Two beautiful smiles of her sisters...

...plus the promise of a Lucky Charm marshmallow...

...and there was the Abby Kate smile I love! What a turkey!!

*We have had two wonderful days of Thanksgiving with our families, and have more to come today with the fun Christmas parade with Grandad and Grankay, a family tradition from past years! (go here ('06) and here ('07) and here ('08).) I love each and every one of these people so much. I love watching my kids love their cousins and play all day with them. I love hearing the laughter of family, smelling fall candles, trying new desserts, spending time together without any effort in our conversation. And, I love that all of our family just love us right where we are, even when I'm not all that festive. :)

I will admit. Thanksgiving was much harder than I even expected. And, that feeling of "everything being difficult" gets old...not because I expect it to be gone any time soon, but because it's exhausting to ride the waves of emotion. As I told my mom, it wasn't as if all day long I kept thinking "Chase should be here" or "I miss Chase". It was just that feeling--which now has become familiar to me--that feeling that, as hard as I try, I just can't be myself. There are even moments when I just can't feel much at all. I feel like I'm out of my body, watching everyone else converse, laugh, eat...and then I'm surprised to hear later from family that I was doing all of those things too. I didn't feel like I was.

*I was thankful that our family did these special cards as an activity this year. Since I wasn't very good at real conversation this year, I at least got to write my feelings down for my family. I have loved watching the girls light up when they hear what was written about them. What a wonderful way to show our thankfulness for each other. Great idea, Cassie.

*If there's anything I've come to understand in the last two months, it's that I don't really understand any of this at all. There are multiple days in a row--even a whole week--where I am so peaceful, so inspired by all that I'm seeing the Lord doing, and so engaged in my life as mommy to these girls. I don't want a life defined by my grief. I don't want to limit what God has planned, because I know His way is perfect. But, then, I have such moments of weakness. And, I know God's okay with that. I send my questions and my hurts right up to Him, and I know He expects it and welcomes it. I'm so glad. I truly do see why the psalmists can question deeply and then praise even more deeply in the same psalm. Because the questions and the heartache may come first. But, without fail, the heartache truly does send me right into a place of praising Him...for being in total control, when I can tell I'm not. :)

*I'm also so very glad that I can walk through all of these days...the good, the wonderful, the exciting, the bad, the sad, and the ugly...with my sweet husband by my side. Seriously. He is amazing. He had to listen to quite a "rant" this week from me, and he just so patiently and compassionately stood there and let me cry {and yell}. And, then he told me I didn't yell. So sweet of him to try and make me feel better. :) I can't imagine anyone else who could know me and love me the way he does. I'm so thankful.

*So, since this blog seems to be headed in the direction of full disclosure anyway...the thing I was crying {and loudly talking} about was the dilemma of how to include Chase in our home. We have been rehanging pictures on our "picture wall" upstairs, because I had this vinyl phrase made...

I have always loved adding new pictures in this spot and seeing how the girls have grown. I still love that part. But, how do I do this now? How do I hang pictures of my three beautiful girls without including his sweet face too? Especially when I already had the new spacing all worked out for his big 11x14 picture. How is this possible that I have one child who will never grow, who I'll never change new pictures out for? And, how do I include his pictures, in the appropriate way, when I have three kids to consider? It needs to be "just right"...where my girls appreciate his presence, but are not overwhelmed by it. Where I see happiness when I see his pictures, and not dwell in the sadness of what we don't have. I think we have come up with some good solutions in the last two days. But, it's still not perfect in my mind...

{Let me interject another struggle I have often.} I actually think it's one way satan gets to me...by making me feel like what we have isn't good enough. This is especially painful when I spend time comparing my situation to others. So, I try my hardest to resist it. But, I hurt that I can't have pictures of my son's face on my wall. His feet are cute. His little hands are cute. But, because of the situation of his death, his face and body are not healthy looking like I want them to be so badly. As a mother, who loves to show her cute baby's faces (because I DO have some very cute babies!), I struggle with this. I find myself wishing often to have held him alive even for one minute, so that I could remember him with pink cheeks and life in his eyes. So that I could have the baby pictures that I have of the other girls, even if that's all I ever have. And, so that the girls would have those too. However, I am again thankful, that I have the pictures I do. They will always be treasures for me, even if I can't share many of them with all of you, or with my children. He's perfect to me, and that's what matters. For now, we will share his hands and feet with the world, and we'll keep praying that God will give us satisfaction in having even that.

*I have been reminded this week, that just like Mark and I have thoughts always popping in our heads (too many to even share, really!), the girls have those every day too. And, I've heard from my family and good friends some of the ways he pops into their heads too. It reminds me that we're all walking this road of grief. I'm not alone, even when I feel like I am. Here are a few of those from the girls this week...

Wednesday night, after everyone had left our house from our first Thanksgiving, we were watching Lady and the Tramp as a family. I was snuggled between Kendyll and Carlie, quoting the movie {yes, I do that often}, and out of nowhere, Kendyll said "Mommy, Chase would have been two months this week, right?" She was right...and I realized she was thinking the same thing I was. The little baby boy in this movie reminds us that we don't have ours with us.

On our way home from Thanksgiving last night, out of nowhere, Carlie said "What kind of clothes do we wear in heaven?" As we talked to her about what we know and what we don't know about heaven, she then asked "So what is Chase wearing? Do you think he's wearing all white because that's what I think." Oh...heart breaking to know these are the thoughts my kids are having.

Abby Kate's favorite game on my Iphone is one where she can launch balloons to a {quite annoying} little song. But, it's her very favorite thing to do. And, as she does it she says "Aaaallll my balloons go to Chase!" The other day, when I heard the familiar {annoying} song from the backseat, I said "Abby Kate, are you sending balloons to Chase?" She said "Yeah. Chase has LOTS of balloons! He's really happy!"

There are times where their thoughts surprise me, but, at the same time, I'm not surprised. I have them all day, fleeting through my head, sometimes heavy, sometimes not.

...Yesterday, as Mark hit the same bump on the road that used to make me cringe in pain and grab my pregnant belly...well, now it doesn't hurt at all. And, it makes me sad.

...Or, the random comedy we watched the other night, where a woman was talking about breastfeeding. It was supposed to be funny, but all I thought about was my boy.

Oh, the list could go on and on...

But, since I've slowly gone off track from the Thanksgiving thoughts, I'll stop there.

We hope you all had a wonderful week with family. Thank you to so many who sent me texts and emails, letting me know I wasn't far from your thoughts. You will never know what it means.

I'm going to close with a new song and album that we are LOVING right now. Casting Crowns just relased their newest CD, and their cover is a picture of a little boy sitting high above a city, just looking out over it. Next to him sits a megaphone. NOT coincidence if you ask me. That megaphone is being used, through Chase in our lives. As my friend Becky said in an email, "We love your son...and the way His life is calling us to love the Lord more in tangible ways...ways that make a difference...Jesus at work through your son's life is making His heart known, advancing His kingdom, causing others to want to know Him better."

Shout it loud, Chase. :)

One of my favorite songs from this CD, is Always Enough...

In a dry and weary land, Lord, you are the rain.

In a sea of shattered ones, Your love comes rushing in.

You hold the world within Your hands,

And see each tear that falls.

Through every fire and every storm,

You're always enough,

always enough.

Your love is peace to the broken

Faith for the widow, hope for the orphan

strength for the weak.

Your love is the anthem of nations,

Rings out through the ages,

And you're always enough for me.

Keep my heart in perfect peace.

My life is in your hands.

When confusion hides my way,

You're always enough,

always enough.

I rejoice, for my Savior reigns.

I rejoice, for He lives in me.

God on high, He has set me free,

and worthy is the Lord!

Your love is peace to the broken

Faith for the widow, hope for the orphan

strength for the weak.

Your love is the anthem of nations,

Rings out through the ages,

And you're always enough for me.

In a dry and weary land,

Lord you are the rain...