Friday Feelings

Ahhh, it's Friday. I'm looking very forward to spending some time here this weekend:

I think it will be good for my little head. My mind is swirling a bit today. Lots to say, so little time. :) These millions of thoughts come as a result of lots of reading I am doing...books, blogs, my bible. I am feeling the Lord tugging at my heart about some big things, and some little things...and I've told Him (again) that I could really use a burning bush in my front yard with His voice speaking straight to me about it all. :)

Even though I'm not getting a burning bush, lucky for me, I am getting a NEW study Bible {which is apparently a great one} to help me out!!

My sister, Cassie, entered me into a contest on one of my favorite blogs ever, and I won! Or, she won! However you phrase it, we won! And, I can't wait for my new ESV Bible to arrive. Thanks, Cass. :)

In an effort to keep being open and honest about this road I walk, I want to also share a few of my Friday feelings...

I'm a little bit sad today. I say a "little bit" because my sadness doesn't always feel like deep despair and it doesn't always last all day. Sometimes it's almost more of a "disappointment" about what is lost, and it comes and goes without warning me ahead of time. It's that lingering feeling that something {really cute} is missing around here. This morning, I visited his room to put some things away and just talked to him in my mind for a minute. I called him "silly boy", which we call him when we're sad. I'm not sure why, but it's how I express my sadness about the way we lost him...that silly boy who just sat the wrong way on his little cord for too long. That silly boy who kicked me like crazy and had such a personality I was so looking forward to getting to know...

I also let my mind wander a bit to what Chase would be doing today, if he was here. Sometimes it's too hard to even "go there", and sometimes I really don't think it's helpful to think about the "should have beens " and "could have beens"...because I still see God right in the middle of the "exactly as it has been" life I'm living right now. But today I wanted to "go there". I wanted to picture him swinging in our living room, listening to Praise Baby like his sisters did. I wanted to see Kendyll love on him in the floor like this:

And, after I watched Abby Kate "reading" this morning to baby dolls and whoever else would listen, the thought just instantly popped in my head: That's what she would have been doing as a big sister. So, then, I had to go back and look at my other girls doing the same thing...here is Carlie with baby AK:

I want all of these things to be taking place in our home like I had expected, and I want the emptiness to be filled. I pray that the Lord fills up these empty spaces with His abundant grace. I love how Steven Curtis Chapman says exactly this in his new song "Heaven is the Face", written about the loss of his precious little girl, Maria. If you haven't heard his new album, you need to. It is of course speaking to my heart in so many ways right now. SCC has such a gift for doing that, you know. :)

To me, Heaven is the face of our little boy...and, even though I can't see that face peeking at me from the swing, I have a hunch he might have had a face like this little broccoli cook below:

Oh, I love all four of my tiny-nosed gifts. :)