I wasn't actually going to blog about this today. I don't know why, really. But, here I am anyway.
At this very moment, 18 months ago, I was holding this precious boy in my arms for the last few moments.

18 months ago, I couldn't imagine life after this day. I couldn't imagine what healing looked like or how I would ever go through a day without the sadness.
I knew I would. Because God promised it to me. So, I desperately clung to that promise. But, I still couldn't picture it.
Tonight, as we worshipped with our church (yes, yet again...without planning it, I was blessed with a worship night on Chase's 18 month birthday...and yes, yet again...Chris read Chase's life verse in the service without realizing it. CRAZY, I tell you. :) )
Anyway, as we worshipped and sang, I thought about the healing God has so graciously given me. I sang "Jesus conquered the grave" and cried--not because of sorrow, but because of thanksgiving! We sang "all of my life, in every season, YOU are STILL GOD, I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship", and I meant it. Every season brings us closer to God. But, I truly think this season of loss and grief and healing has literally brought me into the center of His heart, and I've abided there. It is the most amazing feeling in the world. And, to think it came through suffering.
But, I couldn't imagine any of it 18 months ago.
Tonight after the service, I was blessed to pray over a mom I had never met, who lost her son a few months ago in a very similar way. As I prayed for peace and strength for her...and for her to have something beautiful created out of the ashes of loss...I was filled with tears on her behalf. Because I remember being in the place where I couldn't imagine what that beauty would look like.
Oh, my little Chase. I could have never imagined the life you would bring me. And, today, you are officially at my very favorite age. I imagined your little face alot today. What you would be doing now, what my life would be like as your mommy.
And, at the very same time, I imagined what my life would be like if you hadn't come just as you did, for exactly the time you did, in exactly the way you did.
I also imagined the day when I see you again and all the pain of this world is absolutely melted away. Oh, I dream of the day!
You are a gift. We celebrate you today. Jesus has conquered the grave. I do have a reason to sing. I do have a reason to worship.
I love you and miss you. And, I have no doubt you would be the cutest 18 month old EVER. :)







































