Abby Kate + Chase = True Love

I've had some sweet conversations with Abby Kate lately about Chase. As I've said so many times before on this blog, Chase is in our conversations every single day, especially among his sisters.

I love that his name is just always called out in the "list" of family members. I love that his cute little baby self is always drawn in his big sisters' pictures. I love that the pumpkin by our fireplace was named Chase, and that every "C" we see is for "Carlie and Chase". And, I love that Abby Kate is especially obsessed with her little brother.

As we decorated for Christmas tonight, everything was a little hard. Just like last year, I kind of secretly dreaded doing it. And, just like last year, my dread was turned into gladness, as I watched the JOY on those girls' faces as they unpacked boxes of memories and decorated the house.

But, bringing out the decorations still reminded me of last year...which reminded me of the pain...which reminded me that he's still not here...which made me think about what a FUN age he would be for this Christmas...which made me sad.

What's funny is that Abby Kate has talked about him constantly lately...so I wasn't alone in my thoughts of Chase tonight. :) She loves him ALOT.

I wanted to write a few of the recent things down, so I didn't forget.

*Last week, Mark had the big girls in his car, and Abby Kate was driving home with me from a little Starbucks run. Granted, she had a big cup of hot chocolate, but I still don't know why she was as chatty as she was. Maybe it was because she was finally alone!

She began talking about the clouds and what shapes they were. This led immediately to talking about Chase, since in her mind, he lives on a cloud.

"Mommy, Chase lives on the clouds and he bounces to them and then jumps on the star and then he's gonna come back down here. He will be bigger then."

Then, a few minutes later....

"Mommy!! Did you see that sign? It said "Chase lives in heaven!"

Two minutes later...

"Mommy! There was ANOTHER sign! It said 6-3-5-Chase is with Jesus!" (Now, this part was funny because we were on I-635 in Dallas, so she had read the numbers on the side of the road and added the Jesus part herself. :)

I told her how much I love her and that I was so glad that she loved her baby Chase so much.

She said "I do love Chase so much."

*Yesterday, Abby Kate talked about him after church. She learned about sharing with others in class, and she told me that she will share with Kendyll and Carlie and Chase.

*This afternoon, she said "Mommy, when we get our baby from Africa, we will have ALOT of kids. We will have Kendyll, Carlie, Abby Kate, Chase, and a baby. And, I think there will be TWO babies from Africa...one from Ghana." Not sure if she is prophesying or what, but I LOVE that Chase is a part of her list. :)

*She had quite a few questions tonight at dinner about Chase. The conversation started because of her friend in her class named Eli. She said "That's the same as baby Eli!" (her cousin)

Me: "And, Eli is about to have a birthday! He's going to turn ONE!"

AK: "Then, Eli will be older than Chase!" {This really confused Carlie, who then asked me "Is Eli older than Chase?"}

Me: I explained that Chase was born before Eli, and that Chase would have turned one already.

AK: "Where was Eli when Chase was borned? Was Eli already a baby?"

Me: "He was in Aunt Cassie's tummy. He was growing and growing like Aunt Cortni's baby is right now."

AK: "Why did Chase come out and hold Daddy's hand?" Wow. This was a new one.

Me: "Chase had already died before he came out, Abby Kate. So, we held him for a while and took lots of pictures so we could show him to you."

AK: "And then you sent him up to heaven?" Wow again. This hit me hard. She just assumed we had chosen for him to go to heaven?

Me: "Chase did go to heaven, but we didn't send him there. We wish he could be here right now eating dinner with us. It made us sad that he died, but, now he is living in heaven forever. This was followed by a brief explanation of death and heaven. "After we die, we get to go to heaven with God. So, that makes us happy."

WOW. This was deeper than AK had ever gone before, and it made me realize even more about how this cute little mind works.

Honestly, it broke my heart. She longs for her brother to be here, and doesn't fully understand why he's not. She wants to be a big sister so much, and would be SO good at it. I really wish she was. I know she will be, but I want it to be NOW. She loves Chase so much, and I'm very glad for that. I am so thankful that he is not gone from our hearts or lives or conversations. But, oh, how my heart ached to have to verbally say again that he is gone forever.

And, that he won't come back after he plays on the stars. As much as I wish he would. :)

Tonight, we were decorating each of the girls' trees in their bedrooms, Abby Kate got very excited about adding Chase's special ornaments to the big tree downstairs. I am looking forward to taking them to get his new ornament this year too. I can already tell that it will mean ALOT to our little Katers, especially.

Beautiful Hagar & Bountiful Blessings

I have writers block.

I have started a post FIVE times, and have had to start over every time.

This is the dilemma. This week was Thanksgiving. So, I should share about what we did, and what we're thankful for, and how much delicious food we ate {boy was it good!}.

I want to share about how meaningful the holiday was, especially as I returned from Ghana and spent it with all the family I love so much.

And, I DID have a great Thanksgiving. And, I DID get to spend it with the people I love most.

But, I don't want to break up the Ghana updates to stop and talk about yet another abundant American holiday.

There. I said it.

I LOVE Thanksgiving. It has always been {one} of my very favorite holidays. And, there was no difference this year on that. I still loved it.

I love the time with family. I love the fall weather. I love the colors. I love pumpkin pie. I love our Pilgrim feast. I love our Christmas parade tradition. I love long days with our kids and their cousins.

But, something still feels off in me. I wish I could figure out what it is. I think it's a few things, actually.

I just keep thinking that we have room for more. More kids. More love. More giving. More sacrifice. Our big extended family, who we spent this holiday with, is just amazing. Even on that bigger family level, there is so much love to give. We all have SO much of everything!

What else am I supposed to do with these bountiful blessings besides just be thankful?

I am so so so so thankful. Please don't hear me saying anything else but that. I am thankful.

And, I am also continuing to feel the pull. The pull of knowing there is more need. There are children who deserve more. There are others who should be celebrating a year of blessings, but they're not.

Oh, man. I know you're tired of hearing it from me. I wish I could stop saying it. I really do. Because I know it probably gets old.

But, once you've stood eye to eye with children who have nothing...who are child slaves...you can't stop talking about it.

When you've met a child like Hagar, who has been sold by her parents, and has been a slave for FIVE years, you just can't "do" normal anymore.

Sweet Hagar wouldn't even look in my eye when I bent down to talk to her. She was hiding behind a tree while the other children crowded around us in the center of the village.

I saw her from across this crowded island, and I just knew I was supposed to be her mama for the day. So, I began to talk with her. To rub her back. To ask her about herself.

She could hardly speak, she was so shy. Or, maybe she was so defeated. It seemed much more like the latter.

After talking with her for a while and telling her how much I loved her name, and how beautiful she was, she walked by my side the whole time we were there. Even though she was very quiet about it, she never left me. And, she still hasn't left my thoughts.

I met alot of children. And, I remember many of their faces and names too.

But, something about Hagar struck me to the core.

She was fading into the background. She was unsure and unsettled.

She doesn't have clean drinking water. She drinks from Lake Volta.

She doesn't have food to eat, much less a huge turkey with all the fixings.

She doesn't have a bed to sleep in. I don't even know how much she even gets to sleep.

And, most importantly, she doesn't know that she is treasured. She doesn't know that she is beautiful.

She needs someone telling her these things...giving her a bed and food and clothes and love.

I said "goodbye" to Hagar, as I offered silent prayers over her...for her protection, for her rescue, for her deliverance, for her to KNOW she was treasured and loved and valuable.

Even after we said bye, she found me again for another hug. She was hungry for it. And, I was more than happy to give it.

The Sunday after we were home from Ghana, on the way to church, the song "Beautiful" by Mercy Me came on in the car. It is one of my favorites, and I've always said it reminds me of the kids on the lake. But, I hadn't met them yet when I said that. Now, I just sat there and cried. It is now Hagar's Song. I told the girls about Hagar that morning. And, now they pray for her too.

Will you watch this video, {pause my music at the bottom first} and pray for Hagar, and all the other children who don't know they are beautiful? They don't know they are "made for so much more than all of this". They need to hear that "they are treasured, they are sacred, they are His."

I am thankful this year. I don't take any of these bountiful blessings for granted. And, I want to share them with children like Hagar. They really deserve it.

Beautiful Hagar, my sweet friend, I am thinking of you tonight, and praying you are safe. Wherever you are, may you know--somehow--that you have hundreds praying for you right now. You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His, sweet child.

More and More Smiles

I shared about Wisdom's smiles in the last post, but there were lots of other smiles this week too. Look at these grins full of white teeth. Oh, I miss them!

You already saw my "running hug" pictures when I arrived, but here are some more of when Mama Shannon arrived, and when Mark arrived.

They make you feel like a movie star with their joy in seeing you again. And, there was all kinds of tackling and guy grunts when Mark walked into the boys' room. I love this picture of them pouncing on him.

And, so many of the smiles came from the gifts you gave, both for the Touch a Life kids, as well as for the communities we traveled through.

Wade & Kelly, the silly string fight was genius. They have never had so much fun. (And, neither have we!)

In fact, the kids' smiles never left their faces, whether we were having a silly string fight, drawing with sidewalk chalk, playing with playdough, blowing bubbles, glowing with glo-bracelets, reading their handmade cards from kids in the U.S., or painting with new watercolors...they had SUCH a fun time being kids. And, couldn't stop saying thank-you for their surprises.

The candy was also the perfect way to connect to the communities around the Village of Hope and also at the lake. We gave candy to villages we passed through, and watched as children with no expression, just came alive with smiles.

We also saw children who were sitting in a canoe on Lake Volta, trafficked and enslaved, crack huge smiles as we handed them a blow-pop or a bag of skittles.

For a moment, they were just children excited about a treat. And, they held on to their treasures for dear life.

And, of course, our own Touch a Life friends had a pretty good feast on candy too. :) Even the biggest kids were squealing with joy at all the "toffees" (this is what they call candy.)

We also got to laugh really hard as Mark and Taylor chucked candy and art supplies out the window as we drove home from the lake. We didn't have time to stop each time, so they got really good at their aim. And, a few kids thought they were receiving gifts from heaven. :)

Do you see these Skittles in mid-air?

And, it was so fun to look out the back window and watch the kids going crazy, jumping up and down, yelling, and waving at us....with HUGE smiles. It really was priceless.

But, my favorite moments were handing out soccer balls along the road. Just like last time, the kids went CRAZY for new soccer balls. And, every time, we found the perfect recipients. One time, we threw it onto a school soccer field, and the kids all cheered and immediately began playing with it. One time, we found one single boy walking down the dirt road with a soccer jersey on. I think he was the happiest boy I've ever seen when he caught the flying ball. And, then there were others who Taylor and Mark got to actually walk up and hand the ball to. These are just the sweetest pictures, and best smiles.

So, thank you to everyone who gave SMILES to these kids. You made their day, and showed them how loved they are!

Loving Them from Afar

I realize I am not writing about this trip in any kind of chronological order. I'm basically sharing what comes to my mind, and the stories I want to remember.

Here is one about our friend, Wisdom.

Mama Amy and Colin were in Ghana with us this summer, and the kids really missed having them here again this time.

On one of the first nights, Comfort, Amy's special friend from the summer, asked to call her...so we did. And, it was SO cute to watch all the girls "chat" on the iphone with Mama Amy all the way in Dallas.

Then, later in the week, Wisdom was very worried about the surgery he would be having the next day. He is a really smart kid, so there was not much we could say that pacified him, like "You'll feel better and be healthier after this" or "Don't worry. It will all be okay."

I spent alot of time with him all week, so that whole morning he just wanted me to sit with him, and I did my best to comfort him and help him not worry. I just watched as silent tears just fell down his face again and again. I prayed with him, rubbed his back, tried to distract him by doing his favorite things (painting and legos), and answered his questions as honestly as possible. (He wanted to know EXACTLY what was going to happen to him.) But, the sweet boy just broke my heart. His smile (which is one of the biggest I've ever seen) was just NOT there.

So, I sent a text to Mama Amy, knowing she would join me in praying. I asked her to pray for Wisdom to have peace about surgery. And, she sent this back to him:

"Lord, you are Wisdom's strength, his shield from every danger. Ps. 28:7

Be strong and courageous, Wisdom. Do not be terrified for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you or forsake you. Deut. 31:6

But I will restore you to health, Wisdom, and heal your wounds, declares the Lord. Jer. 30:17

Wisdom, I love you and you are going to do so well.

Mama Amy

I wish I could explain the HUGE Wisdom smile that came over his face as I read this to him.

I was completely crying, as I watched him soak in her words---and finally smile. I just watched as he was loved from afar. He immediately cheered up and wanted to write Amy back.

This is what he said:

"Dear Amy. I am so happy to hear from you thank you for the prayer the Lord your god is with you Matthew 14:14 If you ask anything in my name I will do it amen. Love you."

Oh my, was I crying then! As Amy said, "Thank you LORD for text messages!"

And, Wisdom was literally never sad again the entire day.

The next day, as I sat with him before surgery, he was smiling the WHOLE time.

We prayed again, talked about what would be happening, and that I wouldn't leave his side. I also told him again that Amy and Colin were praying all day for him, and I read the scriptures that Amy sent him. Again, the peace just washed over him.

It was precious. And, it was so wonderful to see how much Mama Amy could help Wisdom in EXACTLY the way he needed it, even from across the world.

This was another one of those moments where I was reminded that God has called us to be Mommas to these kids, no matter where we are. And, to watch Wisdom receive comfort, not only from me sitting beside him, but also from his Mama Amy all the way from Dallas was such a special thing.

It's so hard to come home and not be able to hug and love on these kids. But, I'm trying to remember that we can love them, even from afar.

Until I can go back, that is. :)