Happy 3 Months & Christmas Balloons!

Wow. Thank you for all of your sweet comments and emails after yesterday's emotional post. They have been just what I needed. I woke up this morning, after posting that at 3:30 a.m., wondering what all I had even written! You definitely got the "raw feelings" of last night, and I appreciate you all for supporting me and encouraging me and praying for me through the tough nights.

It really is funny how the nights can be so much harder than the days. From the very beginning, that has been when my tears have come easily, when my deep thoughts have bounced around in my head, and when my prayers just ramble on and on, as I try to make sense of so much.

And, then the morning comes, and He literally is "the lifter of my head" and the Provider of all I need for the day ahead.

So, thank you for bearing with me.

Today was a great day.

We had Kendyll's sweet friend and future roomie, Hollyn for the night.

And, the girls had so much fun "playing roomates", crafting it up, and watching for the snow {that never quite came}. They did find time to ride scooters in 30 degree weather though. As usual, Mom was inside the cozy house and made Dad do the cold stuff. I did provide hot chocolate though.

We also talked with the girls about what we want to do from here about Chase, and felt really good about how they are doing and what they are wanting as far as a place to honor their brother. I'm SO thankful that God does provide guidance and direction for our family, even though it may look different than other families' choices. He has affirmed what we already thought, and I'm so glad it's clearer today than it was in the middle of the night last night. :)

Before dinner, we sent our Christmas balloons to Chase from Santa, and wished him a happy 3 month birthday in heaven. They really seem to enjoy getting to do this, and it definitely makes us all smile (even though Kendyll talked about how the balloons don't really get to Chase.) That's beside the point! It's still fun to connect to our baby boy this way, especially for the girls.

Kendyll's letter to Chase...

Carlie's famous picture, recreated every day. Our whole family drawn below, with Chase above the clouds. Some details vary, but this is a picture we see again and again...she always makes him with blonde hair (which he did have, even though she didn't see it) and a blue shirt.

Photo by Carlie...

Kendyll whispered to Chase as she let hers go. I wanted to ask what she said but I didn't. That's for her and her brother to know. :)

It was a positive end to the day...another marker of time for us. Thank you all, by the way, for loving me either way, happy or sad. Today, I was smiling again. :)

Three Months...

It's 2:25 a.m. and Mark just fell asleep. We have been up for hours talking, crying, and praying over our life as we now know it.

This marker of three months caught us by surprise.

And, I'm exhausted.

I'm too exhausted to write intelligibly, finding just the right words to describe the way I feel three months later.

I'm tired already of the milestones we endure, knowing we have a lifetime of them left. I love celebrating milestones for my kids, and it makes me sad that instead of marking Chase's first roll or laugh at three months, I'm marking the third month of him not being here like we thought.

I desperately want time to slow down and give me time to figure it all out. And, at the same time, I want to be done with all the "firsts" that keep looming in front of us.

Then again, I can't believe all the firsts we've already walked through that I never thought I could.

Our first holidays without him. Our first three months of anniversaries of the day we said hello--and goodbye--to our son. The first time I held another baby in my arms. The first day I didn't cry. The first time I tried to comfort someone else in my shoes, only to be without the words to do it. The first time I lost track of how many weeks it had been without him.

My thoughts are obviously scattered, but that's where I am tonight. Bouncing once again from high to low, without warning. So, I guess I am inviting you to bounce along with me if you don't mind. :)

My "mom" heart is heavy. Earlier this evening, I was making a list of scripture to pray over my children, because we have been seeing some behavior in all of them (and in us as parents) that concern us. And, as I sat there reading some of my favorite books, and looking up scripture, I felt God whisper to me: "Chelsea, they have lost their brother. They are hurting too."

Kendyll is a compassionate, kind, generous, and passionate child. And, she just seems to be "on edge" and distant one minute, overly emotional the next. And, craving time with us the moment after that. She talks about Chase all the time, and seems to notice the things that we're not getting to do with him more than anything else. And, I know this is totally normal.

Carlie has so many questions and so many precious thoughts about her brother. I can literally sense that she is thinking about him all the time. And, that she loves him so deeply even though she never knew him. She sings about him, prays about him...and this is normal too.

Abby Kate has been fascinated and has instantly fallen in love with her new cousin, Eli. If he is around, she is drawn to him and his tiny parts. She can't help but touch his head and say his sweet name again and again. She was meant to be a big sister.

All three of them seem to be breaking my heart. And, I've told God how much I desperately need His guidance as we parent them through this time.

We want to do this right. We want to point them to the One who holds all of this in His loving and capable hands. And, I'm afraid we fail at this more times than we would like to admit. But, that is one of my biggest fears...that I will look back and regret something I did or didn't do with them as they grieve. And, because God knows this about me, I know that His power WILL be made perfect in my weakness. I'm completely trusting that. His mercies are new every morning.

We are also struggling with big decisions of what to do from here with our sweet boy. We have waited purposely to make the right decision on where and how to honor him and his sweet body...and we feel like now it's time. Will you please pray for us as we decide what is best for our family? As of tonight, we have completely changed our minds again...we so need His guiding hand in this too.

I've mentioned before my struggle with grieving publicly like this, and I still question it. I don't want to feel like I have to grieve the right way so that I honor Chase enough. Or feel like I need to explain how I can have such joy and sorrow at the same time. I don't want to have to help people understand. I just want to be me.

I just want to be a good wife and mom who loves her husband and daughters who are here with me, and my son who is not. And, who honors her God who has perfectly planned each day of this little mom and wife's life.

I want to know the future. I want to see what He has planned for us. We're hearing Him speak in huge ways (more about this later), but my heart is wavering. Will we adopt? Will we get pregnant again? Will He use us in ways that don't include more of our own children? If so, I can't imagine that right now.

I KNOW without a DOUBT that He will bring beauty from ashes, that He will redeem what has been lost, and that He will--and already has--perform miracles for HIS glory in all of this. And for now, He tells me to trust Him, even though the future is unclear. He gently calls me to lay my plans down before Him...again. To surrender fully and to watch Him bless our lives in ways we could never have imagined.

Oh, how we want all of that and more, Lord! And, oh how we love the son you allowed us to have even for a moment. We long to honor his life, to celebrate his impact on our family and our world, and to glorify You, Father, even as you hold Chase in your loving arms today. Guide us, Lord. We desperately need to see Your way. And, to be led again today through the ups and downs of this road we are on. We love you and we surrender to Your plan for us, for we know we will see Your hand in this. "It will take our breath away to see the beauty that's been made out of the ashes..."

The Desert Song

This is my prayer in the desert

And all that's within me feels dry

This is my prayer in the hunger in me

My God is a God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire

In weakness or trial or pain

There is a faith proved

Of more worth than gold

So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise

I will bring praise

No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice

I will declare

God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle

And triumph is still on it's way

I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ

So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life

In every season

You are still God

I have a reason to sing

I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest

When favor and providence flow

I know I'm filled to be empited again

The seed I've received I will sow

Happy Three Months in heaven, Chase. We love you and we miss you.

Christmas Highlights

I'm not sure how this blog will go. Lots to say {as always} and too many pictures {as always}. But, instead of going Christmas by Christmas, documenting each of our five {soon to be six} celebrations, I am going to try my best to do this in pictures...with a tiny bit of commentary of course. :)

This Christmas...

...we continued the family tradition of surprising the girls with our Bubba's family night.

...we drove by neighborhood nativity scenes daily to "find baby Jesus", as AK says.

...we visited Santa, which Carlie stressed out about because she had nothing she wanted, and didn't know what to say. :)

We took many sister pictures...

...sometimes with Abby Kate in them.

...and sometimes without her sweet, precious, {somewhat stubborn} self.

...we enjoyed visits from old friends, and their new babies {Angie, Kevin, & Margo}.

...we had the Christmas Eve traditional chocolate fountain with the Jacobs fam.

Some ate it...

Others wore it.

All enjoyed it!

We received amazing gifts, including handmade one-of-a-kind dresses from Uncle Chris (and his talented designer friend).

Look at these models!

...we were given generous donations in Chase's honor to the organization that has our heart, Touch A Life.

...and we exchanged ducks, chickens, and rabbits for families in Africa with all of our cousins.

We all exchanged figurines that will hopefully become a collection over the years. For now, ours are being displayed in Carlie's new horse stable, which I think is hilarious.

Mark and I also got a goat and two chickens from Aunt Carol and Uncle Chuck.

We received gift cards for Starbucks, our family favorite restaurants, and a spa day for me. :)

We received sweet precious keepsakes for our little Chase...

...And, another favorite gift was special jewelry from Mark's Grandmother, who passed away in January. Aunt Carol was so thoughtful to pass on Grandmother's earrings to each of us and our girls. (Of course, it gives Kendyll even more of a desire to have her ears pierced!)

We also received a homemade water table just like Mark's Papa made years ago! This time constructed by the handy man, Uncle Brad! This will be hours and hours of fun when springtime hits!

Other gifts have been highly entertaining, and have made for great video. This is Abby Kate singing her "ABC's rock-a-roll" on their new karaoke microphone. With her raspy voice, it is really more cuteness than I can handle.

We have had lots of good grandparent time with Pops, Grandma, Grandad, and Grankay {with still fun more to come with Gammy and Papa Ron at the ranch!}

We also had our second annual "As Seen on TV" gift exchange and we laughed so hard, we cried. (Yes, Mark won a zebra snuggie.)

And, Grandma loved her snuggly scarf with pockets.

At Grandad and Grankay's house, the cousins got to follow the clues to their presents, which even the little ones enjoyed!

And, then got to dig in to the treasure! I love this picture of all the dads with the kids. Where are the girls, I wonder?

Oh yeah, this is what we were doing...

So. Stinkin. Cute!!!

But, we did share...eventually.

On Christmas Eve, we left cookies for Santa and snuggled in bed... (yes, AK made her way out of the picture again.)

...they posed long enough to take a "picture on the stairs" like Mommy wants (some were more participatory than others)...

...and rushed downstairs to find a CRAFTS explosion waiting!

The only thing the girls asked for this year was for Santa to surprise them...

And I think he was very successful.

They immediately began "crafting and creating"...

...And they haven't stopped since! (as you can tell by the looks of our playroom!!)

Santa even brought five red balloons to send to Chase for Christmas (pictures to come later...) and a letter for these three sweet girls. :)

We had our own family Christmas...

...and the girls enjoyed their sister exchange the most of all. They always find the perfect gifts for each other, and the reactions are the best.

And, sometimes, these cuties I'm surrounded by, literally make my heart burst.

We also enjoyed the WHITE Christmas...

and even threw a few snowballs (or snow bombs, as they called them). Well, except for mommy. I was smart and stayed inside, watching from the window. :)

The girls gave me my most favorite gift of all, from Willow Tree.

The figurines are Kendyll {thoughtful child}, Carlie {joyful child}, and Abby Kate {spirited child}. They go perfectly with my "healing grace" mother statue, and my "hope" Chase boy. So incredibly perfect for me.

As I said before, this Christmas was so different for us. In many ways, it was more significant. As is true for anyone experiencing grief, we have been reminded of what really matters...and what doesn't. Although gifts were not the focus of our holiday at all, we found ourselves appreciate and cherishing the thoughtful gifts we did receive. And, although the busyness of the season usually overwhelms and exhausts me, I found myself wholeheartedly enjoying the time with family and friends.

And, I think it's because of a new perspective He has given us.

God has shown me a few things He wishes for me to gain from this journey. And, a new perspective on who HE is has been my most treasured gain. His amazing character has been something I've always "talked about" but probably never fully comprehended. His love was a "concept" that I've believed in theory, but not fully experienced in reality...until now. And, even now, I'm still learning ALOT. :)

His love is unending, lavish, and abundant...and it is personal.

He cares about the details of my little, insignificant life. He cares about my fears, my worries, and my weaknesses. He loves me and delights in blessing me. And, HE made it a good Christmas for us.

This Christmas, we soaked it all in as much as we could. And, we experienced His love "in the flesh" through our family.

Every time we got an extra long hug from someone, every time we had someone acknowledge our heartache, every time someone gave us a gift from their heart, I was reminded of HIS love because my family was showing it to us.

So, that was His blessing for us in Christmas this year, and since we know that life is short, we truly tried to enjoy each and every moment we had with the many precious people He has blessed us with.