World Series, Game 1

Its Mark again. As Chelsea mentioned, we most likely would have been scheduled to have Chase this week.....and YES, I had circled the calendar months ago and was all set to watch the World Series with him in the hospital. We watched the 2002 Winter Olympics in the hospital when Kendyll was born, the 2004 Summer Olympics when Carlie was born....and we can't remember what we watched with Abby Kate (it was something good though AK, I promise). A tradition of sorts for me and my way of immediate bonding with my new kiddos!

Anyway, it was supposed to be the Dodgers vs. Yankees this year, just like it was in 1981, when I was 6 years old, idolized Steve Garvey, and the Dodgers beat the Yankees! Chase and I would have "assumed the position" on the teal green, fake leather couch, that Presby Dallas has in their maternity floor rooms....and I would have told him about his Pops and Great Grandad going to the 1959 World Series at the LA Colesium - Dodgers vs. White Sox! I would have told about his Grandma (and not his Daddy) getting to go to Game 1 of the 1988 World Series at Dodgers Stadium, when Kirk Gibson hit his famous HR, and that I had chosen to go to Game 2 instead....a sore spot still to this day that his Grandma loves to talk trash about and rub in!!! (Love you Mom)!!!

Well, things haven't gone as I had planned months ago.....however, last night in Game 1, CHASE Utley of the Phillies hitting 2 HR's, off the best pitcher in baseball - CC Sabathia, to give the Phillies an early lead and eventually win the game.....was pretty special to us, to say the least!!

And what I have always loved about Baseball is the deep history of statistics they pull out when stuff like this occurs.....And I love this one: Chase Utley became the first left handed hitter, to hit 2 HR's, off a left handed pitcher in a World Series game since........Babe Ruth back in 1928! WOW! Now Game 2 didn't exactly go as well for Mr. Utley and the Phillies and it looks like we will have a great series, which is great....but I am going to predict the Phillies win it in 6.

Chase Utley has no idea that an entire family of Dodgers fans are now rooting for him with every at bat....and he will also have a permanent roster spot on all of my future fantasy baseball teams until he retires!!

Thanks to all of you for your continued love, prayers, and support. It has been a tough week for us but God continues to provide what we need each day!

We love you all and Go Philles!! (did I really just type that?)

One Month...and lots of thoughts

First, thank you for sharing in my love for those precious feet from my last post. :) I'm glad so many others agree that they are the sweetest feet ever created. I wish every one of you could have felt their softness. It's truly something I pray I will never forget. I remember the instinct I had in the first moments I held Chase---to cover his feet and hands with my hands because they were so cold. I wanted so badly to warm them. The mommy in me kicked in to "caretaking" without me even realizing what I was doing. I remember staring at his tiny toes, and I remember us talking about how long his feet were (and of course how good of an athlete he would have been.)

And, I remember thinking that our Great Creator left no detail undone as He created this precious one, even when He knew the number of Chase's days. There have been days where I've wondered WHY God took the time to make our baby so absolutely perfect, both inside and outside his body, knowing he would only live in my womb? But, I have been reminded time and time again that the Lord has shown HIS glory through Chase's small, tiny, and absolutely perfect features. He "knit him together", knowing all the while, that each of his tiny parts would be cherished by a mommy and daddy who loved him from day one. It's also been comforting to me to know that as much as I love my baby boy---literally to the point of my heart bursting---He loves him so much more than I can fathom. He created Chase. He is His child. He knows every hair on his head, and spent time determining every detail of who he was to be. And, He is gazing at him with love even now. He created him perfectly because of that great love!

But, let me tell you, his sweet perfection is sure missed around here.

Grief is a funny thing. Actually, to be honest, it's a frustrating thing. I have a good day, where I'm able to list 10 things that make me happy. And, then I have a day where the pit in my stomach grows throughout the day, and my loss feels stronger than ever. On those days, the tears always feel just below the surface, and the desire to just sit and be still before the Lord is so strong. (Too bad my two year old doesn't agree that I should be sitting before the Lord all day!)

Tonight, I'm struggling with what all to write here...how much do I share in such a "public" way? It is a rather vulnerable feeling to share your feelings, your thoughts, your prayers in this way, especially when you consider yourself to be a rather "private" person (hence, the "private" blog and the lack of participation in things like facebook before now!)

But, yet, God keeps calling me to this place of surrender. Not just surrender before Him as I grieve. But, also surrender to the guard I place around me. As uncomfortable and "exposed" as it may feel, I do want others to see both the good and bad moments of grief, so that you see the real me. And, so that the Lord can use it for good.

I also know that being open and honest is how others know what to pray for. And, for that I am so very grateful.

Many people have asked if there are specific dates they should be praying for. And, the answer is yes. Especially this week. But, really every week, when I think about it...

Every Sunday, I need prayer because I remember the Sunday night we found out our lives had changed, and that Chase would not be part of it.

Every Monday, I need prayer because I count how many "weeks" pregnant I would be on that day.

Every Wednesday, I need prayer because it counts another week from when Chase was born.

Tomorrow, I need prayer, because it could have been the day Chase arrived, if he was like his sisters. Instead, it is the date that I am seeing my doctor for my four week follow-up appointment.

I can't believe it's been four weeks tomorrow. One month of time now has no context to me. It feels like yesterday and it feels like a lifetime ago.

So, I do covet your prayers for this week in general. It's yet another marker of time---one month---since this unfamiliar journey began for us. And, yet, we do continue to be amazed at how much the Lord has worked in us in these few weeks, already for good.

"Thank you for praying" seems so trite to say. But, please know it is meant from the depths of our hearts. It is still what carries us each day, as He bends His ear down to listen to the sweet prayers of His people. We feel our burden lifted and we have no doubt of the reason.

Today, I listened to an old hymn that just resonated in my soul. I do find myself literally standing on His promises. His promises that tell me that He is with me, and that He has plans for my future that will bless me and not harm me. I know this is true. I can feel this is true. I rest in this truth. But, sometimes I just need His gentle reminder that it's still true today, when I am sad, and tomorrow, when my arms still feel too empty. Thank you Lord that you are the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow, and that all I have to do is rest in You alone.

Standing on the promises I shall not fall,

List'ning every moment to the Spirit's call.

Resting in my Savior as my All in All,

Standing on the promises of God.

And, while I'm on song lyrics, here is part of Glory Baby (a song from my playlist), that again reminds me that God is working, even on the hard days...for our good.

Sweet little baby,

it’s hard to understand it

'cause we’re hurting,

We are hurting.

But there is healing

And we know we’re stronger people

through the growing

And in knowing--

That all things work together for our good.

And God works His purposes just like He said He would...

Just like He said He would!

"No eye has seen, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him." I Corinthians 2:9

Things that make me happy...

First, let me thank my very cute guest blogger. :) I can't even tell you how many times he has started a blog entry in the last three weeks only to delete it. I know the feeling. Words aren't enough sometimes. I'm so thankful for your passion, Mark, and I literally wait in expectation to see what the Lord is planning to do with it. Come back anytime and write a while. :)

So, I've been thinking of sharing some things that are making me happy right now, starting with the somewhat superficial...

1) Coffee. For over three weeks, I've had one of these almost every single day.

I'm not even a huge coffee drinker, but the comfort of a Starbucks Cinnamon Dolce Latte is now officially an addiction. And it's even better when I get to have a piece of their pumpkin bread with it. And, no, the calories DO NOT count. :)

On the fifth or sixth day in a row of asking Mark to please get it for me and quickly (I was sobbing at the time), I said "I'm sorry, I don't know why it makes me feel better. I know it costs way too much to do this every day." His response was "If this makes you feel better, you can have one every day for as long as you need it." I think he might be regretting that comment, now that we're adding Starbucks into the monthly budget. :) The "Cinnamon Chelsea Latte" , as I have named it, has been held in my hand during many a comforting conversation with friends, at home late at night with my husband, or all alone as I talk things over with my God. So, in some weird way, it is just a peaceful drink for me. Uh oh. I'm kind of needing one as I type!

2) Fall.

Fall has always been my favorite season, and ironically, the girls and I always decorate on October 1st. This year, I spent that day in the hospital, and really thought we would skip the decorations all together this year. I just wasn't feeling the love for my favorite season. But, at the girls' insistence, we did decorate last week. And, even as I was unloading the orange storage boxes, my heart got heavier instead of lighter...at first. But, now, our house is adorned with fall colors and the familiar decorations of years past, the weather is cooling, and I find comfort in it.

3) Chase Utley.

I'm not a huge baseball fan, but I have been actually watching this last week. Partly because the Dodgers have been in the playoffs (Mark's favorite team his WHOLE life), and partly because I've been watching Chase Utley. This was the first person Mark thought of when I read the name "Chase" from the baby name book and he was the reason Mark was convinced that this would be a good name for our son. He was MVP, which meant our son would be guaranteed to be good at baseball too. And, even though I knew nothing of him then, I now get excited every time Chase is up to bat. :) Even though he beat the Dodgers this last week, which was NOT a good thing in our house. But, I told Mark that it shouldn't be as sad because they were beat by Chase's name sake. He {kind of} agreed.

4) Music. I am GREATLY enjoying my music right now. Not surprising, since songs are the best therapy and one of my favorite ways to worship. A few are included on the playlist here on my blog, but many of them are newly discovered favorites that I have already worn out on my iPod. This morning, I listened to Selah for hours and the tears did flow. However, they weren't sad tears. They were tears of praise for a God who was the same God before our loss, but who feels so much closer to me now. If you don't already listen to Selah, Chris Tomlin, Nichole Nordeman (you know I had to throw her in there), David Crowder Band, or, a new favorite, Kari Jobe (thanks Cortni for that new addition!)....go download some. There is nothing like the way a song can speak to your heart and say the words that you couldn't quite think of...

5) Thoughtful gifts. I could do a really long blog JUST about the thoughtful gifts we've received. A sweet, tiny oak tree waiting to grow big and strong for years to come. Donations to children's homes and children's hospitals. Donations to Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. All done in honor of Chase, to help others. Beautiful plants and flowers. Delicious comfort food. A cd of wonderful music. The girls have received so many thoughtful things from their friends, including their own flowers, cards, and care packages. I have received very special jewelry that will forever remind me of my son. We've received financial gifts that will help us build memories of Chase both inside and outside our home. And, just this week, we got this little guy:

I can not BELIEVE that Willow Tree decided to make a figurine JUST for us. :) Seriously. It could not be more perfect. A little boy, holding a balloon that says "hope". The phrase attached to the box was "Hope Lifts Us Up". Amen!! Thank you Dad and Kay. This little boy is sitting happily in our living room, and makes us smile.

6) My Blessing Ring. Another one of God's amazing gifts to us during this time has been abundant amounts of encouragement, especially through stacks of handwritten cards. To say we re-read them often is an understatement. I have come to know whose card is whose just from the outside cover...that's how often I pore over the words you have all shared with us.

What I also love about my cards, is the sweet way they are displayed, thanks to Steph, Nicole, and company. :) Thank you for being blog-browsers in the early days of our loss to find the perfect gifts for our family. We love our blessing ring, as a place to keep all the cards that truly remind us of just that: We are blessed. (And, this isn't even ALL the cards. I have to get a second ring because the first one weighs too much!!)

7) The laptop. As in, Mark's laptop...I've been using it ALOT . As I spend more time blogging, checking emails from friends, and searching for a few things I'm needing right now, I'm also realizing how nice it is to have a portable computer while I sit on the couch, lay in the bed, or sit outside in the sunshine, as I'm doing right now! Too bad he has to use it for work all day, and only shares at night! We're getting one for me very soon though...like maybe this weekend. :) Our big old fashioned home computer is going bye bye, and not a moment too soon. The poor thing has been with us a long time and is just tired out.

8) Chase's Room. Sometimes I think it's strange that I like his room as much as I do. I thought it would be a hard place to see after he was gone. But, I love being in there. I love being as close as I can be to where he would have lived in our house. I love seeing what we bought for him and I love the colors of his room. It is a peaceful place to me. Not that I haven't cried buckets of tears in that room. But, it's still a wonderful place.

With that said, I'm not sure how long we'll leave it. At what point does it become "crazy"? Right now, it feels like it should stay like it is forever. I'm sure there will be a point where the room will change...either from necessity, or because we're finally able to do it. But, for now, that's hard to imagine. We all still call it "Chase's room", even the girls. The other day, Abby Kate took a bath in his bathroom, and when Kendyll asked Carlie where Abby Kate was, Carlie said "In Chase's bathroom". I smiled. :)

There is still a laundry basket full of unfinished projects I was working on for his room. It is in my closet floor and I don't really know why. There was artwork I was doing for his walls that are still in the garage floor. I feel a little bit paralyzed on those things. I don't know what to do now. So, instead of making decisions, I just keep it all right where it is. I'm sure when it's time, it will come to me...

9) Chase's Corner. I love that area, and find myself catching glimpses of it out my windows. I will love it even more when we have finished it. :) We're still looking for the right birdbath (Erica, I DO want your website!), brightly painted ceramic pots, and especially for a handpainted memory plaque/tile/stone of some kind. If you know someone who can do a happy, childlike, custom stone for us, please let me know! The other day, I loved watching the girls play in his garden, sitting on the bench talking, and closely inspecting the flowers they planted. (And, yes, they were in their PJ's all day.)

10) Feet. Many of you know I'm not really a "feet" person. But, the thing I'm loving the most of all these days, are these feet:

Is there anything in the world more precious? I miss kissing those toes so much it hurts. But, as I've said before, we're so grateful to at least have the beautiful pictures of his sweet, precious, perfect feet. I'd prefer the real thing...but they're so real I could touch them when I look at these pictures...and I do everyday. :)

I can't wait to share more of these beautiful pictures with you all. We're just days away from that, friends! Amber...words are not enough. They are beautiful to us.

So, there's 10 things I'm loving right now. Thank you, Lord, for the sweet spots in my days.

"...and the ransomed of the Lord will return. They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting JOY will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away." Isaiah 35:10

Guest Blogger Tonight

It's Mark blogging this entry, giving Chelsea a much deserved break tonight. Let me start by also saying thank you for the love, prayers, encouragement, and overall support of our family in the past month. We are so grateful to each of you for the role you have played in "our story"...so thank you, once again!

Regarding Chelsea's entry "God Moments", we have received a number of incredible emails and comments from family, friends, work colleagues, and complete strangers, wanting to get involved! Thank you so much! And we were thrilled to be able to add 5 chidren to the list of new sponsorships in the last 48 hours - Mario, Rosy, Rashid, Khethang, and Davi Luna!! We are committed to praying for each of these children by name and hope the list grows exponentially. We have found tremendous peace and inspiration from Isaiah 58. It directly correlates our own healing with helping those in need. We are praying each day to remain open to God's will in our lives and how he wants us to use Chase's story for good. Isaiah 58:10-11 says:

..and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry

and satisfy the need of the oppressed,

then your light will rise in the darkness,

and your night will become like noonday

The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs

in a sun-scorched land and will stregthen your frame.

You will be like a well-watered garden,

like a spring whose waters never fail.

On that note, I want to share a detail from Chase's story, that has left a lasting impression on me. The day after we learned of Chase passing away, Dr. Rick Lytle - my college professor, father of 3 girls-mentor, and family friend - challenged me with the following words:

"I know you are grieving tremendously.

I also know that God will see you through this.

Lean on him. Cry. Be still.

But know that He can teach you something

you need to know through this tragedy."

"He can teach you something you need to know".....has not left my mind ever since! And I can say with certainty, that God has clearly taught/revealed many things to me since we lost Chase. One revelation has been just how "OBLIVIOUS" I had become to the rest of the world and the needs that exist and how we all can help. I had established quite the safe "out of site, out of mind" comfort zone...and that is being shattered each and everyday now.

As Chelsea mentioned, we started reading, "The Hole in Our Gospel", by Richard Stearns, World Vision CEO. I can sum it up in this way: Me being a 30 something, caucasion male, with a college education, born and raised in the United States, who works in corporate America, etc, etc,....this book is making me very "uncomfortable".....and I am only on pg. 108! A couple of "brutal reality" statistics to chew on:

• 26,575 children die each day of largely preventable causes related to their poverty
• Almost 10,000,000 children will be dead in the course of a year

Former President Jimmy Carter, is quoted in the book saying: "The greatest problem of our time is the growing gap between the richest and poorest people on earth. He also goes on to point out that unlike any other generation, we are AWARE, have ACCESS, and the ABILITY to make an impact.

"We can be the generation that no longer accepts that an accident of latitude determines whether a child lives or dies - but will we be that generation? Will we in the West realize our potential or will we sleep in the comfort of our affluence with apathy and indifference murmuring softly in our ears......We can't say our generation didn't know how to do it. We can't say our generation could't afford it. And we can't say our generation didn't have reason to do it. It's up to us? Bono

Stearns describes Bono as "a modern-day profit - a voice of both passion and vision." He goes on to say, "I wish I could say this voice belongs to one of the great Church leaders of our day, one who is leading the Church of Jesus Christ to the front lines of the battle against poverty and injustice in our world. But, no, this voice that should shake our churches to the core with its high call to moral responsibility is the voice of a rock star - one who may have done more to advance the cause of the poor in the last 25 years than anyone else alive!"

OK, it's getting late and I need to jump off this soapbox, that I stole from my beautiful wife tonight. As we have seen throughout, God has been at work for GOOD throughout our grieving of Chase. Thanks to each of you again for all your prayers, encouragement, and friendship! I will finsh my blogging debut with Psalms 82:3-4: Defend the cause of the weak and fatherless; maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed. Rescue the week and needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked.

The statistics are daunting and the task seems insurmountable.....but each of those "numbers" has a name and a face who was made in the image of God. One child at a time, we can make a difference!

Mark

God Moments

Okay, this is gonna be one wild ride, as you read through this blog entry. I've rewritten it for two days now. So, please bear with me. I've found myself spinning my wheels as I try to get this entry started. So, I'm stopping right now to pray that God will give me clarity and will share His message here.

....I remember a couple of years ago in our Ladies Bible Study group, listening to one of our ministers speak about the "God Moments" in his life that led him and his family to mission work. These were moments in time where he felt absolutely directed by the Lord. He was able to trace God's Hand so clearly as he spoke to us. And, I remember sitting there in the audience, praying silently that I would be able to look over my life and distinctly recognize God Moments of my own...moments where God was so clearly guiding my path and directing my steps. All of us have them: the moments we clearly felt God nudge us toward something. Sometimes we listen and sometimes we don't. And, then, sometimes God doesn't give you a choice in it.

I believe Mark and I have most certainly experienced a God Moment in the last few weeks. He has physically surrounded us in indescribable ways. He has spoken to us every single day, and we have been desperate to hear His sweet voice directing us, guiding us, comforting us.

But, these moments began even before we lost our sweet Chase. There have been specific times over the last two years where Mark and I have felt our hearts stirred, and we have been left wondering what exactly He was planning to do with us.

Although I won't go into all of them here and now, I want to share a couple of these instances that have come through books we've read. (Like I said, bear with me!) One of these moments was New Year's Day 2008, as we drove to New Orleans for a football game. I read the book "Same Kind of Different As Me" out loud to Mark the entire trip, and we found ourselves unable to stop talking about the passion we discovered in that story. Passion for reaching the helpless, the poor...passion for being Jesus to the world.

When this same theme was continued through other conversations we had, speakers we heard, Bible studies we did, we began praying about what this meant for us. We were becoming quite sure that God was calling us. But, we didn't know how or when or where. After reading the book, we didn't want to be just a suburban family with spoiled children who never left our comfort zone of our Christian church, Christian schools, and Christian nation...and never reach those who desperately needed what we had to offer: the good news of Jesus. We did not got instant clear direction from Him though, as much as we wanted it...we thought maybe we're supposed to adopt a child from a third world country? Maybe we're supposed to provide foster care for children right here in our own city who need a loving home? Maybe we'll end up supporting a specific mission that He will lead us to? Maybe He wants us to just focus on raising our children and will fulfill His call to us in future years?

We continued to pray, and I continued to find other books to read. :) Two other great ones I began were "Dangerous Surrender:What Happens When You Say Yes to God", by Kay Warren and Discerning the Voice of God, a Bible study by Priscilla Shirer. The same message was throughout both of these. It was about God Moments, where His voice is clear and is calling Christians to live differently. And it was a whole lot about sharing our abundant blessings with a world who is in desperate need.

Then, during all of this searching and reading, I got pregnant. NOT what we were expecting Him to say, but we thought this must be what He had in mind! I remember talking this over with a couple of friends, saying "I still can't shake the feeling that God is preparing us for something!" I was worried that maybe this preparation I felt was for a child with special needs, or a birth defect of some kind...some new cause that I would be a part of. Little did I know that God was preparing me then, and still is.

Our good (and very wise) friend, Jo Lynn, who has suffered through grief of her own, sent me this note in a card two weeks ago. And, it says in one sentence what I've just attempted to say in 14 paragraphs:

"What a blessing to be loved by a God of preparation! You may never be aware of all He had set in motion to prepare your family to walk through this. But be alert to His workings -- someday you'll have quite an inspirational story of God's mercy, love, peace and sovereignty that will comfort, sustain, and empower you through this season."

Perfectly said, He IS a God of preparation! And, we are watching Him work...and are standing in astonishment as He continues to speak through our God Moments.

So, fast forward to our next God Moment. Monday, October 5th. Just five days after we met our beautiful baby Chase. We were handed a note from a dear friend, whose family had decided to support a child every month through World Vision. Little six year old Godson shared a birthday with our Chase. They did this in Chase's honor. And, this is the response I sent her that evening...

Sweet friend, I wanted to give you some background about how the Lord used you by deciding to adopt sweet Godson... Mark and I had just had the conversation on Sunday night that we just want God to use us...to use our Chase...for something bigger. Not just to show others how to grieve with hope, although that is so important. And, not just to give Him glory in our immediate family for the way He provides, although that is our daily prayer. But, we also want to be used by Him to reach further and do more than we would have done before this happened. We DON'T want to go back to our "normal life" and not have been changed by Him.

So, on Monday morning, Mark left the radio off after dropping Kendyll off at school and just began praying for the Lord to speak to Him about a way we could begin to make a difference. He said he immediately had the image of Atsupuhi come to his mind (who is our sponsored child through Compassion). He also said he remembered the words of Chris Seidman from his sermon last Sunday about how God has provided the resources to meet the needs of hungry children everywhere, but we haven't used the resources the right way (this was in his sermon about "Everything Happens For a Reason" which we have listened to since we lost Chase, and it was GREAT!). Anyway, Mark felt like God was telling him that there are so many children dying for no reason except that they haven't been provided the most basic of needs and that Chase's life can bring life to other children He started praying that God would show him how to help those children and somehow honor Chase through it.

Then, within 30 minutes of that prayer time in the car, he was dropping Abby Kate off at school. And, you handed him the packet about sponsoring Godson that brought him to tears in the car. He called me crying and told me the whole story. Amazing hand of God to have that all happen in that way!

We have already begun preparing ourselves for what God has in store through this. We're hoping our entire family will do this in Chase's name! We have also adopted our own boy, Edward, also from Tanzania, born September 30, 2003 in honor of our baby boy.

We are so fired up about this, and it has given us such hope that we can be a part of something bigger than us, to help those who can't help themselves, and who just need so little to survive. So, thank you for being a vessel for the Lord's work, and for being a part of God's message to us in such a timely way. I'm always amazed to watch Him work, and to hear His voice when we are ready to hear it. AMAZING!! And, He used you to speak!

Thank you so much for your sweet heart, and for doing this in Chase's honor. It means so much. And, we pray that it was the first step to something so much bigger.

Since then, we have had other books join our "stack" that have even deepened our passion for helping children in Chase's name. Five days after I sent this letter to our friend, Mark's parents attended a silent auction for Christian Works for Children, where they were able to listen to Pam Cope speak about her life journey. Through the loss of her son, God has led her to help children literally around the world, who so desperately need someone to stand up for them. Of course, Cheri bought me Pam's book that evening, knowing I love to read, and knowing our stories share the common thread of finding God in the midst of grief. Since then, Mark and I have both read "Jantsen's Gift" and are absolutely blown away by the Lord's nudging. :) A family helping give life to children around the world, in honor of their son's life...

The next book we started (and Mark is alot further than I am) is written by the CEO of World Vision, Richard Stearns, entitled "The Hole in Our Gospel". Again, we have been floored by God's direction...one of the best quotes in reference to getting out of our American comfort zones and giving life to those who need it, is this: "Love God. Love your neighbor. That's it. That's the "Bible for Dummies". It's simple, really. But, it's taken our loss for us to see what we have to share.

We want to love our neighbors, and not just the ones in our suburban cul de sac. We want to love our neighbors--especially the sweet children--who live in shacks across the world, who don't have a chance to survive on their own. We don't know where God is leading us, or what all He has in store as we walk this new road since losing Chase. Honestly, right now, it all feels quite scattered in our minds, as to be expected. But, for now, we want to offer a simple challenge to our friends and family who have so graciously walked alongside us so far.

We're humbly praying for even more families to join us in helping others! Help us honor Chase...or someone in your own family...by giving life to other precious children who need food, clothing, shelter, and, ultimately, need Jesus. It costs so little to help, and we have all been blessed so abundantly. For the price of a family dinner at Chili's or a trip to the movies, a child can be fed, clothed, sent to school, and loved for a month! We have started a list in the sidebar of our blog of the newly sponsored children and their names and countries we have already received, and we're so thankful for those who have begun a new sponsorship on behalf of Chase!

If you'd like to learn more about Compassion International, World Vision, or Touch A Life, click on their links for other ways to help. Look at the faces of these sweet children. Read about their stories! Help by giving care to pregnant moms who don't know the importance of caring for their unborn child. Give vaccinations to infant children who don't have a chance of suriving otherwise. Buy a one time gift for a family or village, including options like a goat or chicken, a soccer ball, a fishing pond, or clean water! Give a sponsorship to a family member for Christmas this year. Honor someone you love by selecting their birthdays or a certain country or age of child. Most of all, pray that these children will be blessed.

If you'd like to share, we would love to hear about the children you support and the way you choose to do it! So, comment here on the blog, or send us an email to mcjacobs4@gmail.com!

"For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me." Matthew 25:35-36

If you've read this whole thing, thank you for sticking with me. And, thank you for continuing to pray, as we continue to cling to His comforting voice and seek His continued direction for our family. We miss our Chase every day, but we also have peace in knowing his life has already brought life to other children. And, may that only increase from here!

A Wonderful Weekend

Whew! I'm getting crazy with all of this blogging! This is quite an improvement for me from the last few months!!

Well, I don't know about all of you, but this family sure needed the beautiful sunshine this weekend brought! We spent as much time outdoors as we could, and it lifted my spirits so much. Amazing how sunshine can do that!

Actually, when I woke up Saturday morning, realizing we had nothing on the agenda, I fought against the urge to turn over in my bed and just stay home. But, with it being so pretty, and with us already being home alot right now, we decided to get out. I knew that even though I didn't feel like it, it would be good for us all. I didn't want to plan anything, so, I literally prayed for God to direct our day and to fill it with JOY. And, it was a perfect unplanned day.

We decided to spend some time looking for a water fountain/bird bath for Chase's Corner in the backyard, and to let the girls pick some pumpkins for the porch. We decided as we drove down the freeway that we would go to the Farmers Market downtown. The girls love getting to pick fresh produce from the vendors there, and we knew we could find pumpkins AND birdbaths all in one location.

On our way there, we took a detour to avoid the Cotton Bowl traffic...and ended up on a downtown street, where we stopped for lunch. Here are my little pumpkins lined up to eat "on high stools" at the sandwich shop, which was the second perk of their day, right after getting to put money in a parking meter for the first time in their lives. They're rather easy to please. :)

By the way, do you notice what is right behind their heads?

In case you can't see it, here it is closer...

A "Chase" Bank. And, here is another one just down the road from the first one.

Do you know how many of these are in our metroplex?? We decided it would be funny to count and document how many we see in one day. We haven't done it yet, but we will. In a typical day, I probably pass at least a dozen or more! There is one on the corner by our neighborhood...one across the freeway from our neighborhood...one on the corner next to the girls' school...and seemingly on every other corner and exit I use throughout my day.

Now, on some days that is really hard. But, most of the time, I just smile and think that in some strange way it is a gentle reminder that our Chase is always with us. Yes, I know...It's just a bank sign. But, it makes me stop and smile (while sometimes crying too). Either way, I've come to enjoy seeing it. And, if you see one of those signs on your route, smile at it just for me. :)

Back to the weekend....

After lunch, we arrived at Farmers Market to discover that it was "Pumpkin Party" weekend! Little did we know that our unplanned excursion appeared to our girls to be a planned outing devised by their so-cool parents! There were pumpkin crafts, ponies, a petting zoo, face painting, balloon artists, food of every kind...oh, the fun!

The girls enjoyed picking their pumpkins (and look at the concentration on Mark's face as he worked hard to find the perfect ones!)

And, they posed for their mommy in the pumpkins.

Another sidenote: Please notice that my oldest daughter is sporting a side ponytail. Not sure how I feel about this. First, it makes her look older. Second, it is from the '80's, which I don't exactly embrace readily like other generations seem to. Third, it does not please my need for balance, so every time I looked at it, I felt the need to "straighten" it. But, hey...she's still cute, regardless. And she felt very cool.

One of our favorite parts of the Farmers Market is getting to sample all the yummy fruits and vegetables. And, I think we all had a full meal's worth by the end of the afternoon! And, we now have a fridge full of everything from white corn to pomegranates.

Look at these beautiful colors!! It's hard to resist!

And, these might have been the cutest veggies there!

The rest of the weekend has been full of picnics outside for every meal, playing at the park, climbing trees, riding scooters, and looking for birds for Kendyll's project for school.

Sunday, was "home church" for us, which we have done the last couple of weeks. Our plan is to return to church next Sunday, which will be good for all of us, although probably very emotional. But, for now, we are enjoying our simple service together, sharing scripture, songs, and prayers with each other. Today, Kendyll planned the service complete with a song list, a reading of Psalm 5, and sharing thoughts from her book about heaven.

She planned this after coming downstairs and seeing me crying on the couch. She gave me a sweet, sweet Kendyll hug. I told her I was sorry and that I still get sad sometimes. She said "I know, Mom. That's okay." Today was Baby Blessing Sunday at our church, and I was just a little bit sad about that.

And, even though there have been pockets of sadness for me this weekend, it has been such a wonderful time enjoying the fall weather, the sunshine, and my family.

So, I know I'm going crazy with this blogging thing...it's definitely my therapy right now. Tomorrow, be looking for a very important blog about this:

It might even have a "guest blog" section from my amazing hubby....if I can convince him. :)

October 15th...

I had heard about this day, but somehow missed it on Thursday. It was National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day, and there were many articles and blogs on the internet about the importance of this remembrance. I loved what Angie Smith said on her blog, Bring the Rain. (audreycaroline.blogspot.com) It's amazing to read through the more than 300 comments left on her blog on Thursday...and to realize we are so not alone in this.

If you haven't read her blog before, spend some time doing so. It will bless you. And, please say a prayer for the thousands who are remembering their babies in a special way this week.

This time of remembrance was originally the entire month of October, and was declared nationally by Ronald Reagan in 1988, when he said this:

"When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses his or her partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn't a word to describe them."

It's crazy to me that this great loss suffered by so many women was not even on my radar screen before this month. Now, it is so close to my heart and always will be. :)

I've been handed a megaphone...

After my last few posts, I was feeling last night like I needed to post something different. Something about some other part of our life, with cute pictures of the girls, or a story or two about what they are up to right now. Something "light". Just for a breather. Not really for me, but for all of you, my sweet friends and readers.

I know it can feel heavy to keep reading the thoughts of a mommy in grief. So, I thought maybe I could shake it up a little.

I even have the cute pictures ready to go! The girls and I had a good day yesterday, and I just enjoyed watching them play together, smiling and laughing, and being kids. I have pictures to share of my little "doctor" in training (she treats animals, Barbies, and babies!)...

And, today, she even had time to fit Mary & Jesus in to her busy schedule!

Oh, that little smile. It does my heart good.

I have pictures of my puddle jumpers (look at those sweet booted feet!)...

...and my night-time acrobats (Dad, don't you love what else your stage can be used for?).

So, that's what I thought I would blog about...

But, when I got the blog comment today from my sweet friend, Becky, I was reminded that it's okay for me to share more than cute pictures and fun stories if I need to. She said "In pain and suffering, you are handed a megaphone that the world might know what is really in your heart...for one's heart cannot help but cry out." And, it's true that I can't help but share my heart...For once, I have a megaphone and I'm not afraid to use it. :)

So, excuse me, as I grab it once again, and talk a little.

Today has been a very hard day. And, my emotions have once again roller-coastered (I know that's not a word but I'm using it anyway!) up and down. Today, I couldn't even put my finger on what "started it". It was just a gnawing feeling in my stomach that I couldn't shake. I guess that's what they call grief.

Throughout the day, I've been very emotional, wanting Chase's sweet face to be staring back at mine, as we hang out on our little corner of the couch where I've fed my other little two-week olds. I've found myself daydreaming alot today...maybe because it's the two week mark...or maybe just because I haven't done so in a couple of days. But, I am back to those thoughts of his eyes, his cry, his smile...all those details of my son that I don't know enough about. I want to know more of him than I do.

And, most of the day, I just took notice of myself, as I wondered about what our "new normal" will look like, as so many describe it. It's odd to see yourself as such a different person than you were just a few weeks ago. Of course, my perspective is different. And, so is Mark's. We've talked countless times about how things that mattered before, now just seem so silly. I know that, too, is a normal part of what we're walking through right now. Even looking at lists I had made of "must get these things done" items from the week before we lost Chase...they just seem so silly. All useful things, but none of which matter to me today.

In fact the phrase "must get these things done" describes me well. To say that I am a woman who loves her to "to-do lists" is an understatement (as many of you already know). I usually have at least 3 lists going at a time. I'm a planner, an organizer, and I like being efficient. I suddenly realized today that I haven't written any form of a list in 18 days. That is seriously a lifetime record for me. (Actually, I take that back...I wrote a list for Target a few days ago, but forgot to buy two things off the list and wouldn't have been able to find at least three others if it weren't for me dear friend, Alyssa, who shopped with me and helped me locate things like paper towels and razors...a task that seemed beyond me at the time!)

These days, instead of getting things done or running errands, my days run minute by minute without any real plan. I just spend time straightening my house, doing some laundry, reading ALOT (I'm in the middle of 5 or 6 books plus my Bible, which is a subject for another blog), and playing with my kids. Not much else seems to matter to me right now. It's a weird feeling to have...but I'm realizing I could get used to this "new normal"...and this new perspective.

Except, I could do without the groggy brain I have. Today, I left to pick the girls up at school and forgot my purse at home, and then proceeded to go to our church instead of our school to get the girls! Now, as my husband joked with me, that is a normal thing for him to do. But, it's NOT something I do! I'm never that spacy. I rarely ever forget things. And, I really try hard not to be late anywhere. I prefer to be in control of situations and to have pre-thought anything I am responsible for each day. Instead, I feel like I'm now flying by the seat of my pants (NOT my favorite feeling, usually) and living life hour by hour.

Today when I was talking to God about how I HAVE to figure out how to function normally again on some levels, even if my perspective has changed, His voice spoke right back to me: All I heard was "I'm undoing you." What? Not a word I use often...or ever. He's undoing me. Hmmm. He's right. He's peeling back layers and layers of myself...of my need for control, of my perfectionism, of my efficiency, of my to-do-list-making-mind...all the parts of me that so desperately needed pruning. And, all the parts of me that keep me from His heart. From abiding solely in Him. From needing only Him. Sure, these are things I've always been aware of about myself. And, they were probably things I knew should change. The thing is: I preferred myself that way. I got ALOT done that way. I could schedule in a quiet time quite strategically along with all the other activities and demands of each day, and I'm ashamed to say I felt quite filled by spending that scheduled time with the Lord.

But, for now, I don't "schedule in" my time with God. I don't plan it. I just need it. And, I need it over and over throughout my day. It's changed from a specific part of my day, to just my whole day. I need His presence while I'm wiping the kitchen counter. I need His strength when I'm folding my laundry. I need His comfort when I'm putting the girls to bed. I need His word when I wake up and when I lie down. I'm watching myself--even in two weeks--change daily more into what He wants me to be and into what He knows I need to be. Centered on Him, focused on Him...and not on my agenda, my plans, myself.

He's undoing me. And, that is a good thing. As I told my friend, Sara, the other day...as much as I grieve over all that has happened, and long so deeply to hold my baby boy, I don't want these changes to go away. I don't want to go back to my "normal". I want the Lord to continue to change my heart to look more like His, and for Him to keep gently leading me into a closer and more constant walk with Him.

Okay, I'm putting the megaphone down (for now). Thanks for listening...again. :)

I'll leave you with a song that is a part of my playlist below. It's Ginny Owens, and it speaks straight to my heart. Thank you, Jodi, for reminding me of the greatness of this song in the first 24 hours of my pain. What's ironic is that it was already one of my favorite songs by Ginny. Now, it speaks even louder to me. :)

"If You Want Me To"

The pathway is broken, and the signs are unclear.

And I don't know the reason why You brought me here.

But just because You love me the way that You do,

I'm gonna walk through the valley if you want me to.

'Cause I'm not who I was, when I took my first step.

And I'm clinging to the promise, You're not through with me yet.

So if all of these trials bring me closer to You,

Then I will go through the fire, if You want me to.

It may not be the way I would have chosen,

As You lead me through a world that's not my home,

But You never said it would be easy,

You only said I'd never go alone.

So when the whole world turns against me, and I'm all by myself.

And, I can't hear You answer my cries for help.

I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through,

And I will go through the valley, if You want me to.

Celebrating Baby Chase!

(Side note: New updates and pictures have been added to "Our Story" in the post below this one!)

I've been looking forward to doing this entry, because the pictures alone make me smile and bring back such a warm and happy feeling in my heart. (Thank you Cassie & Kylie for being the photographers!)

Even though there was still sadness, and some tears, the day of Chase's celebration was peaceful, the sun was shining, and we spent the time surrounded by our family, while still constantly receiving the thoughts and prayers of many, many friends across the country.

When we were suddenly faced with the decisions of how to honor our precious baby, I was very certain of what I wanted and did not want. If you know me well, this is surprising, because I don't make decisions easily. Not that this one was easy either. We reviewed countless options, visited various memorial sites, and tried to decide what would be best for our girls, best for us, and most honoring to our sweet boy. Oh, the heartache in making that decision. And, again, our hearts cried out to God for direction and discernment as we took each step.

One way that God helped us decide is by speaking to us directly through Kendyll's words. When we first told her the news, we told her that we would like to have a special area in our backyard that would be a happy place where we could remember Chase. Her exact response was "I just don't want it to be like a funeral." We again told her how happy it would be, and that it would not be like a funeral. And, there we had all we needed to make our final decision.

It wouldn't be a funeral. It would be a childlike celebration for our baby boy.

The girls helped plan many of the details, including what color balloons we would have, what songs we would sing, and how we would design Chase's special garden, now lovingly called "Chase's Corner". Mark and I wrote a letter to Chase, and planned the short celebration ceremony we would have. A very generous landscaping company got the yard completely spruced up, with new flowers planted and flowerbeds turned over. And, my sisters (as I've mentioned) worked hard to make all the little touches that made it personal and sweet. All of our parents and grandparents provided food, drinks, and even the tiniest details that I would have never thought of in my state of mind...plates, cups, ice, everything!

Preparation began that morning and the girls were looking forward to this day. They got dressed in their bright "balloon" colors, and began blowing up balloons, which took some hard work! 100 balloons later, we had a dining room full of bright colors.

Kendyll and Mark hung the girls' art work they made at Grandma's house... ...and Kendyll decorated "Chase's Corner" with the blankets and stuffed animals she had picked out for him the day we found out he was a boy. When I came outside to see her work, she was just sitting there thinking quietly. I love my big sweet girl.

Carlie's contribution was to set out the pinwheels all over the yard, which you can see in this picture. She was very proud and made sure everyone knew she had arranged each one of them!

Cortni and Cassie hanging their cute banner with a very cute name. :)

Here are the Life Scripture frames we sent home with each family member, with his sweet footprints too. My sisters made these, and also made the program pictured here too! I tell you, they were busy little bees!

And, here is their scripture banner that I have referred to before. Also, if you can see it in that picture, they also gave me a sweet frame with the three girls, and my tummy, representing Chase. It now hangs in my house, and I LOVE it!

As it came time to go outside for the celebration, the yard was filled with color. I know these pictures may seem redundant, but they all represent to me the beauty of the day. The sweet chaos of family everywhere...the blessing of many healthy children running around the yard...the beauty found in a rainbow of colored balloons, which represented God's faithful promises to us just as it did to Noah long ago...and the celebration of a life that was too short by our standards, but that was also exactly as God had planned.

We began our service with songs picked by the girls. Grandad led us in "Jesus Loves Me", "Blue Skies and Rainbows", and "God Made the Big Round Sun". Such sweet songs for a sweet baby boy.

Mark shared some thoughts and led us in a prayer of thanksgiving...

I shared Chase's life scripture with our family...

And Pops led us in a prayer of celebration...

Then, it was time to send our balloons up, up, and away! These are some of my favorite pictures, captured by my sister, Cassie...The joy on the faces of everyone is just priceless to me.

After the balloon release, the cousins and kids all helped plant the first of many flowers that will brighten "Chase's Corner" in our yard. We plan to add a birdbath/fountain and a handpainted scripture plaque, as well as seasonal flowers throughout the year. We hope this will be a happy place where our family can always be reminded of the joy Chase has brought us, even in such a short time.

We have also been completely blown away by the number of people who joined us in celebrating Chase's life with balloon releases that day, and many days since! We have tried to get an accurate count of how many honored Chase that day, but we still have not accomplished that task. So far, we have received pictures from places all over Texas, and other states including Oklahoma, Arkansas, Colorado, Utah, California, Hawaii, Louisiana, Tennessee, Florida, Georgia, Connecticut, Massachusetts, New York, Missouri, and they just keep coming! So, thank you all so much for joining us in honoring our baby boy. It has meant the world to us!

The day after our "Balloons for Chase" day, our neighbor--who didn't know anything yet--stopped us on our walk back from the park to say hello. From the car window, she yelled "Hey, did y'all have a birthday party yesterday? We saw all the balloons!" I tried to nonchalantly walk away with the girls, as the tears began to well up. Mark went to her car window to tell her the news, which made her feel awful. At the time, I was so sad to think that it looked like we were having a birthday party, when it was so far from that. But, now, I think back and realize that--in a way---we were having a birthday party. It was in celebration of a sweet life, and a celebration of a new life that our baby now has in the arms of Jesus.

One scripture that has been special to me was given to us by a good friend, who made a plaque for our home with this written on it. I love that this verse sums up what Chase has received in his new life in heaven, and is the very reason we honor our sweet son with a celebration--because there is much to celebrate!

"You welcomed Chase with rich blessings and placed a crown of pure gold on his head. He asked You for life, and You gave it to him---length of days, for ever and ever. Through the victories You gave, his glory is great; You have bestowed on him splendor and majesty. Surely You have granted him eternal blessings and made him glad with the joy of Your presence." Psalm 21:3-6